I know that it seems like forever since my last post. But, not that I am getting this all off my chest, shorter and more frequent posts will follow. 🙂
I have been more busy than I have probably ever been. I have also been spending a lot of time inside my own head and trying to figure some things out.
After some pretty sizable setbacks and disappointments this summer and early fall, JP and I were both left feeling pretty beat up. Everyone has this kind of stuff come up, so I won’t bother anyone with the boring granular details. Basically, things at work were not great for either of us. I took on a huge project with a new client that left me mentally and financially drained in order to move forward. I am moving forward, but it was so much work for so little comp, do I really want to move forward?
I try not to mention JP’s career on my blog much…it isn’t any of my business to put it out there, but I will say there were issues causing anxiety, an overload of stress and some real hard nights.
Additionally, both of us spent nearly six weeks doing soul searching; the likes of which are emotionally exhausting and sincerely confusing.
After we experienced our own setbacks, we experienced an “us,” setback.
I realize I am not the epitome of bloggers on this subject or any other, nor am I Kim Kardashian or anyone else with a million followers… but it is really hard to humble yourself before the world. Since my name, site and character imply humility and the healing virtues presented therein; I want to come clean about our struggle. As hard as it is to say, there were some things that I was truly wrong about. And hopefully, my revelations will help others as they try to make sense of things that are happening to them in their DD, TTWD, BDSM, D/s or any other kind of relationships.
If you read one of my first few posts, it related to ‘coming out of the DD closet,’ and telling my husband it was what I needed. OOPS…did you hear that? I said, “needed”. I didn’t just say it once. I feel like I weaved that word throughout my IPO (Initial Pitfall Offering), explaining that I ‘needed discipline,’ and that I ‘needed someone to hold me accountable’.
When I review that encounter, it was just as much of a sales pitch as any other thing you have to explain to a spouse or partner in order to gain their backing. It was never my intent for him to focus on the context of a word that, looking back with 20/20 vision, probably clouded my entire pitch. His misperception of my unfulfilled needs is understandable considering the meaning of the word ’need,’ indicates it is vitally important. And wow – what a HUGE set of needs for someone to be expected to fulfill in a short amount of time!
2. RACING TO THE FINISH LINE
I felt certain that I needed to explain this to him, but failed to remember that he was sitting on the hot seat facing an emotional female firing squad of one; forced to make a decision that shouldn’t be rushed. I didn’t feel like I rushed him at the time. I don’t think he felt rushed, either. He saw the value and appreciated my enthusiasm and submission. Plus, it was exciting! And powerful! And instinctually male (unfair assumption on my part)! But looking back, I rushed him.
The honeymoon phase of Domestic Discipline is an interesting conundrum, with high-highs and low-lows. It is exciting, sensual and real. It is nerve-wracking, confusing and real. Some days, your best efforts are hardly more than a cough in the general direction of dominance and submission. However, I feel like any relationship worth having comes with a similar, albeit different, double-edged sword.
3. I AM TOTALLY NOT GOING TO GET PISSED OFF WHEN HE SPANKS ME…
Um, except I did a couple of times. And each time sucked so bad for him. At no point in time did I see some glimmer in his eye that said, “Oh…she fucked up. Muahahaha…yes. NOW I WILL GET TO SPANK HER!!” Nor was there any “Dinner was 5 minutes late and there are no towels in the bathroom. SPANKING!” It wasn’t like that. He is a busy guy who works hard and loves his family. He saw the inherent value of the DD punishment process, but it was never something he enjoyed doing.
On my end, most of the time, I was being a brat, and as many of us know well, when bratty come to call, she doesn’t like to be told what to do. Then, I would make him feel like an asshole for doing what I humbly asked him to do. That only happened a couple of times, but it pretty much sealed the deal for him. Why try when she is going to get mad?
Sometimes, being in a vanilla relationship and transitioning into another lifestyle presents a whole new set of growing pains. Things like deprogramming reactions and automatic defenses have to take place. It is also hard to not use the past against one another. This is where most of us in this role have to really hone the submission skills.
4. THIS WILL BE EASY ENOUGH TO MANAGE WITH THE KIDS AROUND
No. The times when we are both the most stressed out is often when the kids are around. It isn’t anything we ever wanted them to hear because it wasn’t something we were ready to explain. You can’t put a sign on the door…you know? It was a struggle, although I am sure we and many others, could work around it with some modifications.
5. MORE COMMUNICATION IS EASY ENOUGH TO HAVE
Everyone says it, and I will say it again. You cannot be successful in DD or any other form of S&M, BDSM D/s, etc. while maintaining a healthy relationship without upping the ante when it comes to communication.
I assumed that JP would find this problematic, but not me. After all, I am a woman…communicating is simple and I will fill in the gaps where he falls short. Wrong.
There are so many aspects of our relationship, myself and my moods that I didn’t account for in my equations. Sometimes, I don’t know why I am being bitchy, I don’t have a good reason and no matter how much I try to be more communicative, ‘because I feel like being a bitch,’ isn’t an acceptable answer inside or outside of DD or D/s. I would act out first, then rationalize later. This made me defensive before we even started talking about it.
I found it not one bit easier to admit my own shortcomings in the heat of the moment. Sure, I could admit to something that I didn’t see as a fatal flaw. Those flaws that constantly plague me, and those I didn’t know I had a problem with confronting were sitting right there; front and center in my mind. I would find myself feeling down about things that I was personally insecure about and then projecting my view of myself onto him, assuming he saw me in the same negative light. He was so much more open and honest in DD and I fell short sometimes. This caused a wall to go back up for him. It isn’t always as easy as any of us think.
6. HE IS ALWAYS SELF-ASSURED. I BELIEVE IN HIM ALWAYS… HE IS PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF TAKING ON THIS ROLE. HE’S A NATURAL DOM.
While my thought process above wasn’t necessarily completely irrational, it was pretty unfair. He is self-assured and I do always believe in him. But to go from zero to sixty in 3 weeks flat (slow for a car, fast for a new lifestyle), was something neither of us was prepared to do. He confirmed later that he does seem himself in a dominant light, but sometimes being responsible for the bills, working 50 or more hours per week, commuting nearly 2 hours each day, the kids activities and business networking leave a person pretty worn out. It started to make sense to me quickly that he didn’t have time daily to make all of the decisions, sort out the rules and give me a maintenance spanking.
But, I had asked for this. And he was all for it. If I let up now, it would all go back to the way it was before…messy arguments, fighting, threats to leave, and more. At this point, he had never said he was feeling overwhelmed. Ah…but how could he comfortably do so? I needed this, remember?
At this time I was in the middle of some negotiations and quoting a large design project. What a perfect time to get JP involved in the sales pitch and price negotiations!!! Of course he went and we both shined. He was eloquent and persuasive. He was relatable, knowledgable and an incredible asset in the meeting. I’m not exactly Kris Kardashian when it comes to negotiations, but I am no shrinking violet, either. So there I sat; swooning, as my sexy, dominant man worked his magic. (My words, not his. He is much more humble in general than I am when gushing.)
At this point (calm before the storm), everything seemed perfect. My bringing him in on this project was a great idea. However, now I had him moonlighting as my CEO while I sat back and enjoyed the view from middle management. On its own, it probably would have been fine. In combination with the stress from his simple little day job (saracasm), it was exhausting. He needed to get home, make sure I had my shit in one bag, assist with the design project I had just bid and won, make time for the kids, give me a maintenance spanking and then undoubtedly give me a spine tingling visit from the “Ace in the Hole” that became necessary subsequent to my maintenance spanking. I know. Poor guy…he needed to have sex after he spanked me. (sarcasm) Um, no. I wanted it in some insatiable way and would find my own avenues to quietly ensure that Sargeant Pepper led The Lonely Parts Band. That made me feel guilty. And kinda needy.
No matter how much he needed space and time, his perception of my needs and his obligation to fulfill them left him feeling like he needed a clone. No – a clone with impeccable time management skills.
7. YEAH, WE’LL NEVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE. WE HAVE A PLAN.
In addition to all of the mistakes and experiences above, there were several things I was pretty sure would be easy to overcome because we had a plan. For instance; on being able to keep myself level-headed because I had made a commitment to this lifestyle. The truth of the matter is, some days, it is really hard to remain submissive. When something strikes the right chord on the right day, remaining calm and collected is something I need to work on. It causes problems when I react like a wounded wolverine. Then I start being defensive and he feels like he is talking to a wall.
I thought it would go something like this… ‘Well, he will just know that I must need corrective action. And then he will take action and I will happily to submit to my punishment!’ Instead, my resistance caused him to lose hope and withdraw. It is a nasty cycle and just one example of something I thought that commitment to DD would make easier. Not so.
8. I WON’T GET HURT IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT
I guess I never expected to find out about him being uncomfortable in the way I did. It just kind of erupted. The last thing he wanted to do was seem less manly for not being able to take on the role of HoH by doling out punishment spankings and enforcing rules. He liked the sexual charge it brought for both of us. He liked the change in attitude and respect that had come with the lifestyle. The truth of the matter is, he watched his mother being beat by his ex-step father when he was pretty young. He remembers it and it was traumatic. The concept of DD was never practiced in an abusive manner in our home, nor was I being beaten. I had asked to be led and corrected. There was no derisive nature in his actions, I think he truly saw the merit. But, when it came time to give a disciplinary spanking, or he felt like he was intentionally hurting me, it brought back a lot of painful memories and guilt.
I had wondered if that would be an issue, but since he never brought it up when I posed the DD lifestyle, and because I saw a clear and distinct difference, I failed to prepare myself for some things.
I never thought he might have difficulty admitting that it was hard for him. Because I am not a man, I forget that they must contend with a whole host of emotions and characteristics of ego that I have never experienced by virtue of not being a man. Due to the fair and structured nature of domestic discipline or D/s (when practiced with genuine care and love) and above all else; my consent & desire, I never imagined that he could see it that way.
When he finally did admit to that, I felt guilty. Like I was a member of a freaky fringe society, or the lone woman that would put shame to all former and current women’s rights movements. Then I began to question myself. Am I sick? Disturbed? Do I like getting beaten? NO. First of all, he had NEVER beat me. I realized that was essential for me to cease thinking in this destructive manner. It wasn’t his fault he associated the action with a somewhat similar but very different traumatic event in his life. It’s not my fault that I’m a natural submissive and what some may call a spankophile.
Without ever coming right out and saying it, I knew we couldn’t go on the way we were. It was the beginning of a genuinely rough period for us. For a week or so, I was mad. How could he tell me it sounded great, participate voraciously, endear me to his dominance and then drop it like a hot potato? Then, I was once again insecure. He thinks I am a total freak. He must want some normal girl who just naturally has her shit together…but they are generally boring. And he likes blow jobs. And they aren’t all that fun. I’m fun and I give blow jobs. It was sad. The fact that he was struggling with something that happened a long time ago was sad for me and I wondered if he saw me in a low light…as the kind of girl that wants to be abused.
It makes me sad to write about it because those are very irrational thought patterns. I tend to see the world as being very unaccepting of my flaws. I struggle internally with viewing my pitfalls as being worse than others’, and with feeling that I am hard to accept. But, I bet as he reads this, he will disagree. He knows that I am a sexual freak. And he loves it. Because he is a sexual freak too. He knows that I am warm, loving, caring, funny and sexy. He knows that I love him like there is no tomorrow. He is my rock, my man, the love of my life. He is Sir.
After going through the motions of denial, anger, sadness, guilt, etc. I grew quiet. I don’t want to talk about it. Things fell back into the same patterns of poor communication and hurtful jabs. I was still harboring resentment for what I felt was a cold and confusing way to end DD. Apparently it showed.
He eventually called me out on it. He asked why I had gone back to being cold and nasty when things got rocky, and why I seemed angrier after everything slowed down (to a grinding halt). That hurt. I told him that I didn’t understand. Not only had I given myself over to him in the great gift of submission, it felt like he rejected me. There was a lot to be said. But I was still quiet.
It took me about a week after he asked me those questions to process how I was really feeling. I was upset with myself because I knew I was a being a brat. I was embarrassed because he rejected something important to me, so I showed him the complete opposite of submission, I was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to see me as normal again. This is still an underlying fear. He was insecure because I had said that I ‘needed this’ and thought I would be out sourcing a new Dom immediately. I realized how immature I was being. I realized something else too.
9. “She’s submissive, not to the world, but submissive to her heart and those in it.”
JP once described me in the above way. It is most fitting. After forgiving him for something he never really meant to do and by letting go of my insecurity to a certain extent, I started focusing more on my heart. I had to quit caring what it might be like to admit that it didn’t work perfectly. I don’t care if he can’t deliver a punishment spanking. I still love his dominant personality. I still respect him and love being his good girl. I am his submissive. I love serving him, making him feel good and doing my best everyday. I don’t need to set the parameters. It doesn’t have to be exact. I will never be the perfect housewife, the perfect girl or anything else remotely resembling perfect. EXCEPT – I am perfect for him and he is perfect for me.
10. IT IS DEFINITELY SEXUAL
I am incredibly sexual. I am passionate about it. In a healthy way. It is a form of expression that embodies being alive. I am going to have to be 100% okay that I am turned on by dominance and am governed by being submissive. I love to massage his feet and suck his cock. I love to write erotic stories and share them with him. I love to play with toys, and set the scene. I never intended for sex to change my life, but it has. The level of intimacy and closeness that I feel with JP is truly surreal.
The connection that you find with someone you love is so intoxicating, seductive and freeing. I had plenty of sex before JP and he has had plenty of sex before me.
I can say with near certainty that there is no sexual pinnacle available in the game of casual sex that can substitute the erotic fire that builds between two people with deep trust and passion; who are strong in their resolve to embrace their sexual nature and indulge each others’ desires. Words aren’t available for the way he makes me feel. The fire he lights between my legs and in my heart and soul are spiritual, truly.
For me, the gourmet recipe of Dominance and Submission contains an immense number of potent ingredients. Intense sexual pleasure, intimate whispers, psychological and behavioral conditioning, sexual and physical challenges…all of that mixed with the hypnotic allure of a man’s strength and power; blended with the erotic feeling of sensations that go beyond pain…beyond pleasure.
It is hard to succinctly define our relationship in a couple of words or with an acronym. define our relationship or lifestyle in a couple of words. Domestic Discipline probably doesn’t accurately describe what we have or what we are evolving into. Concrete definitions are difficult to attach to such subjective interests.
My submission comes from within my heart; characterized with a deep desire to earn his dominance by being respectful, kind, considerate and serving him at every opportunity that I can. That doesn’t mean I am a doormat, it just means that I love taking care of him by doing the things that I am really good at instead of hating myself for the things I’m not that good at.
I love him for being open-minded and loving. I love that he is sitting right next to me, right now.