Why I Asked My Husband to Spank Me (The Story of Us, Part I) My HoH (Let’s call him JP) is an extraordinary man. he has overcome many personal and family struggles. Growing up wasn’t easy and he wasn’t always on the right side of the law. His family didn’t have a lot of money , his mother was very young, and his circle of friends were all troubled youth on unfortunate paths.
He turned his life around with a lot of hard work and dedication to achieve the life for his family that he envisioned as a child. He is now an Executive in Sales for a publicly traded company. He is good at his job, hardworking and loyal. He is funny, smart and driven. He is an excellent strategist who has done things without a college education that many people with Master’s Degrees (or more) wish to achieve. I am very proud of this man. He is an amazing father. Our children are well cared for, provided for and always loved.
As a partner, my husband has grown leaps and bounds over the years. With the addition of domestic discipline in our lives, I can’t even imagine how grand our partnership will be after ending the power struggle and growing together more.
On the other side, I am an extraordinary woman. I am intelligent and funny, beautiful and sweet. I have a passion for art and business; focusing on design, video and marketing. I am passionate, sexual, devoted and deeply in love with JP. My childhood was quite different than his. I grew up in a middle-class home, with both parents, and had very few struggles – a happy childhood. My father was stern and could be somewhat mean at times, and yes…you all want to know, I was spanked as a child. Most always, it was a corrective measure that I deserved. I am strong-willed and free-spirited. I enjoy my creative spirit, but it isn’t always the most motivational and work-ethic oriented part of my personality.
I got married right out of high school (not to JP). My ex is a nice guy, but I was too young and we just weren’t right for one another. We have an amazing son together.
JP and I met when I was 21 years old. We started dating less than a month before my 23rd birthday. After about 6 weeks of dating, I discovered I was pregnant. Wow. Already having a 4 year old, about to have another baby. I was white as a ghost the day I found out. So was JP. He never once left my side or threatened to. Even though we had been together less than 2 months, he wanted our baby and he wanted me.
After our son was born, we remained together and started building a life. We fought. We made up. We fought, I went to my parent’s house. We fought some more, we made up again. We were going to get married 6 years ago. However, due to a particularly large number of explosive (not violent) fights, I decided to leave. I was fed up. I had become combative and disrespectful. He wasn’t nice, he was moody, and I was sure it was all his fault. He never let me go. He fought hard to get me back promising to work on the things that were truly unacceptable. And he did. He really started to work at it. But, I was bitter, pissed off and embarrassed. He promised me at one point that he would spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy.
We got back together. Shortly thereafter, I was pregnant again. I was miserable. My career was anywhere but where I wanted it to be. I wasn’t fulfilling my creative needs. I was pregnant, again, at 28. I was depressed. It was a very hard 9 months. But, JP stuck by me again. He lifted me up and kept me from falling when I wanted to. Our daughter was born. New fights about new things. More fights. More time at my parent’s house. Leaving for a week at a time, only to realize 5 days into it each time that I couldn’t live without him. I loved him so much. We talked a lot more. We tried to just put things aside. We were a couple, deeply in love, trying to hold onto our friendship that was dangling by a thread.
After being laid off a year and half ago, I decided it was time to focus on myself, my career and my focus in life. I found it hard to be motivated, hard to clean the house, hard to get it together. I wanted to be more organized, more productive and a better wife & mom. With a whole lot of support from JP and courage on my part, I broke out on my own and started my business. It is still being built and I am still figuring myself out. In doing this self-exploartion, there are the keys things I discovered about myself over the past year and a half.
-I lack self discipline; my easy-breezy attitude is fun and laid back, but not productive
-I have spending issues. If I have $45.00, I will spend $46.00. If I have $0, I will spend $8.00. If I have $3000, I will spend $2,999 in one day. These are silly examples, but you get the point.
-I need to be more organized and plan financially -I am incredibly talented and could use my talents more effectively if I had solid direction
-I hold our family back by procrastinating, overspending and not properly planning -JP works incredibly hard and I have to step up to his level in my own right to feel secure
-I need him, and our relationship problems are just as much my fault as his
So, I’m thinking, ‘Well, bummer. I have all of these issues and no way to solve them.’ Meanwhile, my family CEO is entrenched in a bitter battle with the COO. Two people, two very different people… both driving. One of us was on the right path. The other wasn’t and couldn’t admit it.
In the interest of self-preservation, I fought and deflected. I yelled and pouted. I stomped my feet, I cried my eyes out. Did any of it help me be more productive? How about more qualified to call the shots? Did I feel like we were happy and unbreakable because of our power struggle? NO. Absolutely not. I felt like I was failing and this relationship that had ten years of work behind it was crumbling.
So, we were in neutral…coasting down the highway of life in a nice car that wouldn’t drive. Not one inch. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Call me a spanko, if you must. I have always been drawn to the allure of discipline and corporal punishment. Long before my teen years, the idea of a good, hard spanking was somehow (internally) undeniable. In my 20’s, I toyed with spanking in my relationships. It was fun. Not fulfilling. When JP and I met, our sexual attraction and sexual experiences were off the charts. Throughout all of our struggles and bumps, our sex life was always AMAZING. It kept getting better. But it was still missing something (for me, anyway). JP and I watch porn together sometimes. But over the years, my fascination with BDSM erotica grew. But it felt wrong. It felt dark. I was always wondering who these girls were…was this rape…, torture…, victims of human trafficking…? Were they okay…? Was there anything illegal going on behind the scenes…? Who knows.
I hated that I was drawn to something that I didn’t understand. If you are in to BDSM, I have NOTHING against you or your lifestyle, nothing at all. Consensual activity between adults is great and I have no judgement to cast. Personally, I think the core of DD is rooted in Dominance & Submission, in all honesty. If it crosses over from just punishments at all – into the more fun, erotic parts…it all seems to head back to D/s.
I just found the material to be mostly arousing, but not quite hitting the mark. I started to dig deeper. What was it about pain, dominance, submission and discipline?
The elements of discipline and spanking kept coming up, over and over again in my mind. I craved it. It made sense. When someone is punished for a transgression, it feels like justice served and negates the need for anger and resentment. When I watch someone being harshly punished strictly to inflict pain, it feels dark to me.
Not too long ago, I found a video that was very mild in relation to some that I had come across. It depicted a woman that had spent too much on a shopping spree. Her HoH sat her down and explained his frustration, adding that she would receive a spanking so that she would remember to never do tit again. I loved it. She didn’t look scarred or scared, he wasn’t angry. This video was tagged with “domestic discipline.” Next time I did a search, I found so much info and references, much more than any fantasy videos. Upon my search, I found hundreds of blogs related to the topic of DD and D/s (THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR BLOGS – THEY MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLE’S LIVES). There were podcasts, downloads and books. There were stringent prescriptions for the lifestyle and those that encouraged couples to do what it was right for them. I couldn’t believe it. There were people living their lives this way!! It was insane. Impossible. Deranged….Only for about 60 seconds.
When I got over my initial shock and fear of the lifestyle, it started to make sense. One person in charge, the HoH. He leads, I follow. He makes the rules, I follow. He needs to remind me to behave? I obey. I get a say in everything. I also get more than that. I get peace. I get trust. I get security. I get consistency. I get to feel his control in the bedroom and out. His natural dominant tendencies are nurtured, my need for structure and discipline are met. Enter masculinity and femininity – two innate characteristics that were previously wearing the masks of ambiguity and yelling at each other from underneath.
I read, I did research, I listened to podcasts…I absorbed as much as I could until I thought I might explode. Realizing that this is what I wanted – the lifestyle that I needed and could stand behind was the most freeing and terrifying feeling ever. Thinking, ‘Oh, no. You can’t tell JP. He will think you are crazy. Or deranged…both. He will be afraid of what this life might lead to (gasp!)… a gateway lifestyle. He won’t understand. He can’t spank you! He isn’t allowed. What would people think? Even if you wanted him to, when he does it playfully during sex, he feels like crap if he even thinks he hurt you. He will feel so downgraded and helpless.’
Then there was me…’You mean to tell me you are going to listen to him every time? When he spanks you or paddles you or canes you – are you going to be able to handle that? What if you think you haven’t done anything wrong and he spanks you? Are you going to punch him? Will the control go to his head? Will I soon be eating my meals in my bedroom after grabbing them out of a little slot he cuts outs of the door to you room which is now a dungeon? Are you prepared to give up your identity? EHHHHHGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! SCREAMING!
Then I stopped. I reassured myself. I am an adult and I can consent to anything I want to! Who cares what people think? Are they living in your marriage?
I read some more. I put a lot of thought into it. A LOT. It was a Wednesday. I would wait until the weekend. I would wait, figure out a plan and “come out” to him. Only I wouldn’t…
He could see something was up. He could tell I was distracted and nervous. I told him it was a big deal and I wanted to wait until I knew what to say. I said that it was something I was nervous about discussing and needed some time. He wasn’t having any of that. He can barely wait until Christmas to open presents. He wasn’t waiting to hear something epic that I was nervous to discuss. I was rarely nervous about discussing anything.
I’m sure things were swirling in his head, like “JP, I am cheating on you,” or, “JP, I have decided that I was born as a woman, but I feel I should have been born a man.” Or the classic – “JP – I have decided to move to Europe and sell my art on the street corner. Will you please come with me?”
He started to get very frustrated, so I told him I had to take some notes to form my thoughts and that I would see him in an hour. Yikes! I had one hour to paint this picture in an honest and compelling way. Ahhhh…luckily, I am an artist. 😉
TO BE CONTINUED….(Stay Tuned for Part II)