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I was talking to a friend recently, and she asked me what I meant by “I like to serve him.”  Excellent point.  So, what is “service,” to me?  I have been doing a lot of reading lately.  Getting in touch with the inner-me.

Service is, by definition, many different things.  The type of service that I am referring to is serving another; in this case, JP.  It is the act or acts of providing accommodations to make his life easier.  This includes:

-Domestic services – i.e. cooking, cleaning, bartending, shuffling the kids to and fro (with love and care), secretarial duties, making appointments, hostessing, etc.  ***Disclaimer:  I have many opportunities to improve in this area.  Always trying.***

-Luxury Services – i.e., massages, manicures, pedicures, removing his shoes and socks when he gets home, shining his shoes, sucking his cock while he reads or watches football, serving his food to him; These are areas of strength.

-Sexual Services – Being attune to his needs first, submitting to his desires, being ready and open to advances at any time; anywhere (but trusting him enough to not get us put on “The Registry,” for indecency), learning to please him just the way he likes, etc. – also an area of strength.

-Respectful Service – this has more to do with obedience, but if you really think about it, it is a service.  Being mindful, watching tones, not arguing, acting within the rules and protocols of the relationship, obey first – ask questions later (only if you genuinely trust your partner), putting aside brattiness, fostering love and not contempt, etc.  **This is an area in which I could certainly improve, however, I do try very hard to keep my cool.

Obviously, so many of these things overlap.  The different aspects of service to Sir, are to me, one large part of my submission to Him.  There isn’t anything on that list that makes me feel degraded, weak or opressed.  It simply gives me the feeling that I am striving to give the best of me to my Husband, every day.  Somedays are better than others, but I always sincerely try.  As much as this is a part of our D/s relationship, most of those things are not at all about kink…but about love and respect.

-HumbledPink

I do not serve because I am weak, I serve because it makes me strong.

Mindfulness---Serving

I do not serve because I am in awe of you, I serve because you are in awe of me too.

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Lessons Learned – Awakenings

I know that it seems like forever since my last post.  But, not that I am getting this all off my chest, shorter and more frequent posts will follow.  🙂

-Pink

life-bus

WHEN LIFE HITS YOU LIKE A BUS…

I have been more busy than I have probably ever been.  I have also been spending a lot of time inside my own head and trying to figure some things out.

After some pretty sizable setbacks and disappointments this summer and early fall, JP and I were both left feeling pretty beat up.  Everyone has this kind of stuff come up, so I won’t bother anyone with the boring granular details.  Basically, things at work were not great for either of us. I took on a huge project with a new client that left me mentally and financially drained in order to move forward.  I am moving forward, but it was so much work for so little comp, do I really want to move forward?

I try not to mention JP’s career on my blog much…it isn’t any of my business to put it out there, but I will say there were issues causing anxiety, an overload of stress and some real hard nights.

Additionally, both of us spent nearly six weeks doing soul searching; the likes of which are emotionally exhausting and sincerely confusing.

After we experienced our own setbacks, we experienced an “us,” setback.

I realize I am not the epitome of bloggers on this subject or any other, nor am I Kim Kardashian or anyone else with a million followers… but it is really hard to humble yourself before the world.  Since my name, site and character imply humility and the healing virtues presented therein; I want to come clean about our struggle.  As hard as it is to say, there were some things that I was truly wrong about.  And hopefully, my revelations will help others as they try to make sense of things that are happening to them in their DD, TTWD, BDSM, D/s or any other kind of relationships.

1.  NEEDY…

If you read one of my first few posts, it related to ‘coming out of the DD closet,’ and telling my husband it was what I needed.  OOPS…did you hear that?  I said, “needed”.   I didn’t just say it once.  I feel like I weaved that word throughout my IPO (Initial Pitfall Offering), explaining that I ‘needed discipline,’ and that I ‘needed someone to hold me accountable’.

When I review that encounter, it was just as much of a sales pitch as any other thing you have to explain to a spouse or partner in order to gain their backing.  It was never my intent for him to focus on the context of a word that, looking back with 20/20 vision, probably clouded my entire pitch.  His misperception of my unfulfilled needs is understandable considering the meaning of the word ’need,’ indicates it is vitally important.  And wow – what a HUGE set of needs for someone to be expected to fulfill in a short amount of time!

2. RACING TO THE FINISH LINE

I felt certain that I needed to explain this to him, but failed to remember that he was sitting on the hot seat facing an emotional female firing squad of one; forced to make a decision that shouldn’t be rushed.  I didn’t feel like I rushed him at the time.  I don’t think he felt rushed, either.  He saw the value and appreciated my enthusiasm and submission.  Plus, it was exciting!  And powerful!  And instinctually male (unfair assumption on my part)!  But looking back, I rushed him.

The honeymoon phase of Domestic Discipline is an interesting conundrum, with high-highs and low-lows.  It is exciting, sensual and real.  It is nerve-wracking, confusing and real.  Some days, your best efforts are hardly more than a cough in the general direction of dominance and submission. However, I feel like any relationship worth having comes with a similar, albeit different, double-edged sword.

3.  I AM TOTALLY NOT GOING TO GET PISSED OFF WHEN HE SPANKS ME…

Stone Arch Fantasy Background

Being Humble & Submissive – Not always easy, folks…

Um, except I did a couple of times.  And each time sucked so bad for him.  At no point in time did I see some glimmer in his eye that said, “Oh…she fucked up.  Muahahaha…yes.  NOW I WILL GET TO SPANK HER!!” Nor was there any “Dinner was 5 minutes late and there are no towels in the bathroom.  SPANKING!”  It wasn’t like that.  He is a busy guy who works hard and loves his family.  He saw the inherent value of the DD punishment process, but it was never something he enjoyed doing.

On my end, most of the time, I was being a brat, and as many of us know well, when  bratty come to call, she doesn’t like to be told what to do.  Then, I would make him feel like an asshole for doing what I humbly asked him to do.  That only happened a couple of times, but it pretty much sealed the deal for him.  Why try when she is going to get mad?  

Sometimes, being in a vanilla relationship and transitioning into another lifestyle presents a whole new set of growing pains.  Things like deprogramming reactions and automatic defenses have to take place.  It is also hard to not use the past against one another.  This is where most of us in this role have to really hone the submission skills.

4. THIS WILL BE EASY ENOUGH TO MANAGE WITH THE KIDS AROUND

Spanking-Zone

No.  The times when we are both the most stressed out is often when the kids are around.  It isn’t anything we ever wanted them to hear because it wasn’t something we were ready to explain.  You can’t put a sign on the door…you know?  It was a struggle, although I am sure we and many others, could work around it with some modifications.

5. MORE COMMUNICATION IS EASY ENOUGH TO HAVE

vintage couple communication

Communication…sometimes easier said then done.

Everyone says it, and I will say it again.  You cannot be successful in DD or any other form of S&M, BDSM D/s, etc. while maintaining a healthy relationship without upping the ante when it comes to communication.

I assumed that JP would find this problematic, but not me.   After all, I am a woman…communicating is simple and I will fill in the gaps where he falls short.  Wrong.

There are so many aspects of our relationship, myself and my moods that I didn’t account for in my equations.  Sometimes, I don’t know why I am being bitchy, I don’t have a good reason and no matter how much I try to be more communicative, ‘because I feel like being a bitch,’ isn’t an acceptable answer inside or outside of DD or D/s.  I would act out first, then rationalize later.  This made me defensive before we even started talking about it.

I found it not one bit easier to admit my own shortcomings in the heat of the moment.  Sure, I could admit to something that I didn’t see as a fatal flaw.  Those flaws that constantly plague me, and those I didn’t know I had a problem with confronting were sitting right there; front and center in my mind.   I would find myself feeling down about things that I was personally insecure about and then projecting my view of myself onto him, assuming he saw me in the same negative light.  He was so much more open and honest in DD and I fell short sometimes.  This caused a wall to go back up for him. It isn’t always as easy as any of us think.

6. HE IS ALWAYS SELF-ASSURED.  I BELIEVE IN HIM ALWAYS… HE IS PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF TAKING ON THIS ROLE.  HE’S A NATURAL DOM.

Ya-Got-That-Stud?

Sometimes, I forget that he has a lot to handle.

While my thought process above wasn’t necessarily completely irrational, it was pretty unfair.  He is self-assured and I do always believe in him.  But to go from zero to sixty in 3 weeks flat (slow for a car, fast for a new lifestyle), was something neither of us was prepared to do.  He confirmed later that he does seem himself in a dominant light, but sometimes being responsible for the bills, working 50 or more hours per week, commuting nearly 2 hours each day, the kids activities and business networking leave a person pretty worn out.  It started to make sense to me quickly that he didn’t have time daily to make  all of the decisions, sort out the rules and give me a maintenance spanking.

But, I had asked for this.  And he was all for it.  If I let up now, it would all go back to the way it was before…messy arguments, fighting, threats to leave, and more.  At this point, he had never said he was feeling overwhelmed.  Ah…but how could he comfortably do so?  I needed this, remember?

At this time I was in the middle of some negotiations and quoting a large design project.  What a perfect time to get JP involved in the sales pitch and price negotiations!!!  Of course he went and we both shined.  He was eloquent and persuasive.  He was relatable, knowledgable and an incredible asset in the meeting.  I’m not exactly Kris Kardashian when it comes to negotiations, but I am no shrinking violet, either.  So there I sat; swooning, as my sexy, dominant man worked his magic. (My words, not his.  He is much more humble in general than I am when gushing.)

At this point (calm before the storm), everything seemed perfect.  My bringing him in on this project was a great idea.  However, now I had him moonlighting as my CEO while I sat back and enjoyed the view from middle management.  On its own, it probably would have been fine.  In combination with the stress from his simple little day job (saracasm), it was exhausting.  He needed to get home, make sure I had my shit in one bag, assist with the design project I had just bid and won, make time for the kids, give me a maintenance spanking and then undoubtedly give me a spine tingling visit from the “Ace in the Hole” that became necessary subsequent to my maintenance spanking.  I know.  Poor guy…he needed to have sex after he spanked me. (sarcasm)  Um, no.  I wanted it in some insatiable way and would find my own avenues to quietly ensure that Sargeant Pepper led The Lonely Parts Band.  That made me feel guilty.  And kinda needy.

No matter how much he needed space and time, his perception of my needs and his obligation to fulfill them left him feeling like he needed a clone.  No – a clone with impeccable time management skills.

7. YEAH, WE’LL NEVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE.  WE HAVE A PLAN.

In addition to all of the mistakes and experiences above, there were several things I was pretty sure would be easy to overcome because we had a plan.  For instance; on being able to keep myself level-headed because I had made a commitment to this lifestyle.  The truth of the matter is, some days, it is really hard to remain submissive.  When something strikes the right chord on the right day, remaining calm and collected is something I need to work on.  It causes problems when I react like a wounded wolverine.  Then I start being defensive and he feels like he is talking to a wall.

I thought it would go something like this… ‘Well, he will just know that I must need corrective action.  And then he will take action and I will happily to submit to my punishment!’ Instead, my resistance caused him to lose hope and withdraw.  It is a nasty cycle and just one example of something I thought that commitment to DD would make easier.  Not so.

8. I WON’T GET HURT IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT

I guess I never expected to find out about him being uncomfortable in the way I did.  It just kind of erupted.  The last thing he wanted to do was seem less manly for not being able to take on the role of HoH by doling out punishment spankings and enforcing rules.  He liked the sexual charge it brought for both of us.  He liked the change in attitude and respect that had come with the lifestyle.  The truth of the matter is, he watched his mother being beat by his ex-step father when he was pretty young.  He remembers it and it was traumatic. The concept of DD was never practiced in an abusive manner in our home, nor was I being beaten.  I had asked to be led and corrected.  There was no derisive nature in his actions, I think he truly saw the merit.  But, when it came time to give a disciplinary spanking, or he felt like he was intentionally hurting me, it brought back a lot of painful memories and guilt.

I had wondered if that would be an issue, but since he never brought it up when I posed the DD lifestyle, and because I saw a clear and distinct difference, I failed to prepare myself for  some things.

I never thought he might have difficulty admitting that it was hard for him.  Because I am not a man, I forget that they must contend with a whole host of emotions and characteristics of ego that I have never experienced by virtue of not being a man.  Due to the fair and structured nature of domestic discipline or D/s (when practiced with genuine care and love) and above all else; my consent & desire, I never imagined that he could see it that way.

When he finally did admit to that, I felt guilty.  Like I was a member of a freaky fringe society, or the lone woman that would put shame to all former and current women’s rights movements.  Then I began to question myself.   Am I sick?  Disturbed?  Do I like getting beaten?  NO.  First of all, he had NEVER beat me. I realized that was essential for me to cease thinking in this destructive manner.  It wasn’t his fault he associated the action with a somewhat similar but very different traumatic event in his life.  It’s not my fault that I’m a natural submissive and what some may call a spankophile.

Without ever coming right out and saying it, I knew we couldn’t go on the way we were. It was the beginning of a genuinely rough period for us.  For a week or so, I was mad.  How could he tell me it sounded great, participate voraciously, endear me to his dominance and then drop it like a hot potato?  Then, I was once again insecure.  He thinks I am a total freak.  He must want some normal girl who just naturally has her shit together…but they are generally boring.  And he likes blow jobs.  And they aren’t all that fun.  I’m fun and I give blow jobs.  It was sad.  The fact that he was struggling with something that happened a long time ago was sad for me and I wondered if he saw me in a low light…as the kind of girl that wants to be abused.

It makes me sad to write about it because those are very irrational thought patterns.  I tend to see the world as being very unaccepting of my flaws.  I struggle internally with viewing my pitfalls as being worse than others’, and with feeling that I am hard to accept.  But, I bet as he reads this, he will disagree.  He knows that I am a sexual freak.  And he loves it.  Because he is a sexual freak too.  He knows that I am warm, loving, caring, funny and sexy.  He knows that I love him like there is no tomorrow.  He is my rock, my man, the love of my life.  He is Sir.

After going through the motions of denial, anger, sadness, guilt, etc. I grew quiet.  I don’t want to talk about it.  Things fell back into the same patterns of poor communication and hurtful jabs.  I was still harboring resentment for what I felt was a cold and confusing way to end DD.  Apparently it showed.

He eventually called me out on it.  He asked why I had gone back to being cold and nasty when things got rocky,  and why I seemed angrier after everything slowed down (to a grinding halt).  That hurt.  I told him that I didn’t understand.  Not only had I given myself over to him in the great gift of submission, it felt like he rejected me.  There was a lot to be said.  But I was still quiet.

humbledpink submission

Letting go = being free

It took me about a week after he asked me those questions to process how I was really feeling.  I was upset with myself because I knew I was a being a brat.  I was embarrassed because he rejected something important to me, so I showed him the complete opposite of submission,  I was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to see me as normal again.  This is still an underlying fear.  He was insecure because I had said that I ‘needed this’ and thought I would be out sourcing a new Dom immediately.  I realized how immature I was being.  I realized something else too.

9.  “She’s submissive, not to the world, but submissive to her heart and those in it.” 

JP once described me in the above way.  It is most fitting.  After forgiving him for something he never really meant to do and by letting go of my insecurity to a certain extent, I started focusing more on my heart.  I had to quit caring what it might be like to admit that it didn’t work perfectly.  I don’t care if he can’t deliver a punishment spanking.  I still love his dominant personality.  I still respect him and love being his good girl.  I am his submissive.  I love serving him, making him feel good and doing my best everyday.  I don’t need to set the parameters.  It doesn’t have to be exact.   I will never be the perfect housewife, the perfect girl or anything else remotely resembling perfect.  EXCEPT – I am perfect for him and he is perfect for me.

10.  IT IS DEFINITELY SEXUAL

I am incredibly sexual.  I am passionate about it.  In a healthy way.  It is a form of expression that embodies being alive.  I am going to have to be 100% okay that I am turned on by dominance and am governed by being submissive.  I love to massage his feet and suck his cock.  I love to write erotic stories and share them with him.  I love to play with toys, and set the scene.  I never intended for sex to change my life, but it has.  The level of intimacy and closeness that I feel with JP is truly surreal.

The connection that you find with someone you love is so intoxicating, seductive and freeing.  I had plenty of sex before JP and he has had plenty of sex before me.

I can say with near certainty that there is no sexual pinnacle available in the game of casual sex that can substitute the erotic fire that builds between two people with deep trust and passion; who are strong in their resolve to embrace their sexual nature and indulge each others’ desires.  Words aren’t available for the way he makes me feel.  The fire he lights between my legs and in my heart and soul are spiritual, truly.

For me, the gourmet recipe of Dominance and Submission contains an immense number of potent ingredients.  Intense sexual pleasure, intimate whispers, psychological and behavioral conditioning, sexual and physical challenges…all of that mixed with the hypnotic allure of a man’s strength and power; blended with the erotic feeling of sensations that go beyond pain…beyond pleasure.

It is hard to succinctly define our relationship in a couple of words or with an acronym.  define our relationship or lifestyle in a couple of words.  Domestic Discipline probably doesn’t accurately describe what we have or what we are evolving into.  Concrete definitions are difficult to attach to such subjective interests.

My submission comes from within my heart;  characterized with a deep desire to earn his dominance by being respectful, kind, considerate and serving him at every opportunity that I can.  That doesn’t mean I am a doormat, it just means that I love taking care of him by doing the things that I am really good at instead of hating myself for the things I’m not that good at.

I love him for being open-minded and loving.  I love that he is sitting right next to me,  right now.

HumbledPink

Copyright 2014 HumbledPink

Copyright 2014 HumbledPink

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Lessons in Submission

Things have been a bit amiss lately.  Kids are back in school, both of us are incredibly busy with work, friendships and starting a new business venture; there just hasn’t been much time to focus on us or our domestic discipline goals and commitments.  When we are practicing and being consistent, we are both better for it.  When it slowly starts to fall off, we both slowly start to feel it until it is stifling to consider going forward without getting back to these basics.  

We have obviously reached that point.  JP asked me to come up with some ideas for a new format and ideas for 21 days of submission – role adjustment & submission training.  Below are the things I have come up with so far.  When we finalize a plan and I have developed the “token bank,” I will repost.  If anyone has any ideas or specific things that work for them, please comment and let me know!  Thanks in advance.  

Truly humbled,

Pink

21 DAYS – RENEWAL 1

The next 21 days will be used to reset our perameters, set new goals and reach new heights in our DD – D/s relationship.  I propose the following ideas/actions for use in our renewed 21 Days of Submission & Role Adjustment.

Exercises:

ME

1.  Tokens of Submission

Each day I will “give or perform” one act of submission that can be chosen from a “Token Bank,” that I will provide or as assigned by you.  This doesn’t limit the activities that can be assigned, it just creates a standing list up front.  *If any issue will prevent me from completing this token on any given day, I will let you know as soon as the issue arises.

2.  DD Binder – Create a tabbed binder that will serve as a storage space for any documents we create, assignments/essays I complete, progress logs from weekly review meetings, etc.

3.  Assignments – Essays, writing exercises or any other type of higher-level thinking exercises that are assigned in advance with due dates.  These exercises should serve to replace or added in addition to journaling, but with a focus on things you want to work on, things you want to learn about me, or things you want me to research, study or provide a view-oriented essay on.  This will give you all kinds of fun opportunities to get me focused on digging deeper, thinking more about us and studying the art of submission.

4.  Implement Inventory

(Due by X-X-XX assigned date)

Photograph and Document Implements.  Arrange by category in a 3 ring binder.  Provide pain scale rating and accurate recommendations for use (i.e., best for punishments due to strong sting and intense thud.  OR – perfect for maintenance; encourages focus, but doesn’t hurt severely enough for punishment.  OR – can be used lightly as a toy or for light maintenance, but  used with any amount of real force or medium force for an extended time, this implement should be reserved for only the worst of punishments.) 

5.  Fantasy Fiction Fridays

Every Friday 3500 – 5000 word literotica short story due to JP.  He chooses the topic 7 days in advance, I write the story.  Due by noon (by email) each Friday.

YOU

Develop confidence building exercises, tokens of submission and assignments

These can include a wide variety of things.  Ideas are: written assignments; poetry, artistic renderings, research, scavenger hunts, mundane tasks (that need to be done – not just to be mundane for the hell of it), sexual favors, role-definition discipline spankings, etc.

2.  Weekly Review

Conduct a weekly review every Sunday at 8 PM.  Kids in bed, ready for bed ourselves by 8 PM…we meet to discuss the week, the rules, the good and bad and what can and will be improved.  We review the calendar for the following week and add to it if necessary.  Schedule maintenance and any other activities, discuss any feelings or suggestions.

3.  Maintenance – Develop and stick to daily maintenance schedule to include maintenance of discipline and submission.  Geared toward success and love.

US

RULES AND FOCUSES

Work with me to address a list of 2 or 3 MAJOR categories to work on during the 21 days.  Keeping the list shorter helps to ensure success and follow-through.  Major categories could be things like MONEY and HOUSEKEEPING or PROCRASTINATING and NEW BUSINESS.  Or whatever.  We will work together to define that list, and then we can think of specific rules and exercises.

Top Ten Reasons

Each of us write down our top ten reasons for enjoying our DD – D/s position.  For instance, Me

#10 – I am a woman and you are a man, it feels natural and flows into our intimacy and bond as a couple for me to submit to you physically, mentally, sexually, and spiritually.

2.  Lists of Preferences

A learning activity focused on our own preferences and how we can better meet each others needs through understanding preferences.

-Each will develop a list of preferences…list 10-15 things that really matter (irritate you, hurt your feelings, frustrate you, etc.) and how you would prefer they be handled/dealt with/overcome.  This will only be helpful if done in a constructive and realistic way.  These lists will be kept and referred to.

3.  Love Inspiring Characteristics

A list of five to ten most incredible things we have learned about each other since beginning  domestic discipline or in the last year.

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Naughty and Negative

I recently had a birthday, like…within the last week.  I got 30+ swats with the Chechen.  They were playful birthday spanks, but had a nice sting to them as well.  It was a fun morning.

I have been doing freelance graphic work for an e-commerce company for almost a year.  Sometimes it is so much fun, but most of the time, the fun cannot overshadow the extreme shadiness of our owner.  He doesn’t seem to wrong our customers in any way.  My ethical barometer definitely has a point of no return and defrauding people is the point of no return. I can still tolerate being there.  However, sometimes his chauvinistic, womanizing behavior is repulsive.  My birthday was one of those days.

I had lunch with a one of the sales reps and the day floated by with some crappy comments from the owner.  The day just wasn’t great.  Friends had forgotten my birthday, it just didn’t seem special.

From the moment I woke up that morning I had a crappy attitude.  It is indeed that time of the month and I can’t seem to shake the negativity during this ‘period’ of time.  Maybe some of you ladies have some suggestions as to how one can remain submissive and sweet and humble when their uterus is about to explode and freaky chemicals are causing bratty explosions of atomic proportions.

I owe him an apology for my seriously negative attitude.  I have been selfish and deserve a bit of a go ’round with a firm implement.  JP is headed to Vegas next week for a conference.  I am sure that before he goes, he will give me the love and discipline that I need.

So even though I am starting to feel the push of maturity nudge out the remainder of my youth, I have never been more engaged or satisfied in our marriage.  I have never felt that our mutual respect for one another was greater or that our interest in being seriously considerate of each other was more deeply rooted.

So, JP, Sir…I love you so much.  I am sorry that I have allowed my negative emotions to rule my attitude.  I am sorry that I took my birthday so personally when I know you have a lot of things going on right now and are making every effort to move our family in the right direction.  I respect you so much and can’t imagine that growing older will be anything but amazing as long as I have you.

—————————->

In other news, Last weekend was a pretty amazing time.  The closeness and intimacy experienced through living D/s and DD provide a level of erotic fire and hyper-sensuality to our relationship.  Sometimes, I throw my arms around him, fully clothed, and drink in the love and respect that I feel for him – squeezing hard to feel his rugged manliness envelop me.  Other times, I lay back and let him extract the magic that he build in me and cultivates through each tender kiss, each stern glance and every thwack of the paddle that he bestows.  This is no lie, I promise…last weekend, I had over 80 mind blowing orgasms. There are so many times since beginning domestic discipline that once he gets me started, they just keep coming.  😉

I am so thankful for my man, my life and my future.  I have so much on the horizon to look forward to and I feel fortunate.  And humbled.

– Pink.

P.S. – Like the paddle pictured?  I promise I have no affiliation with these guys – but they are AWESOME.  Check out their reviews and amazing work on Etsy.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/SPORKWood

The best customer service I have experienced in a long time and completely customizable.  With shipping and everything, this amazing paddle was only $69.  When I got it, “Mr. Sporkwood,” told me he had yet to be able to fully capture the beauty of the wood on camera.  I know what he means, it is even more beautiful in real life.

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Why I Asked My Husband to Spank Me (The Story of Us) Part II

I returned to our bedroom.   JP was on the edge of his seat, literally, with his hands clasped and the concentrated and weary look  of trying to be prepared for nearly anything splashed across his face.

I started by smiling.  I wanted him to know that I wasn’t going to burst into tears (yet) and that this wasn’t going to be as bad as he had prepared himself for.

“I want you to know a few things before I begin.  First, I love you sooooo much.  Over the last ten years, you have grown to be my best friend and my rock.  I also need you to know that I love and respect myself immensely.  I am worthy of love and respect, loyalty and honesty.  I feel that I am intelligent, talented and worthy of a partner that cherishes me.”

This is where his eyes narrowed a bit, like I might be breaking up with him.

“In the same light, you are intelligent, funny and ambitious.  You are driven, capable, strong and strategic.  You are worthy of love, respect, loyalty and honesty.  I honestly don’t feel like I have been all that respectful…for several years, actually.  I have been dishonest…not in any huge way, I have been faithful, but in a lot of small ways that break down our barriers to communication and degrade the quality of our relationship.”

A more relaxed look spread across his face.

“Do I think all of our relationship’s problems are my fault?  No.  But, I feel like I blamed the majority of it on you for a long time.  We have some big issues.  We fight way more than is necessary.  When one of us starts a fight, the other one is immediately defensive and lashes back.  As soon as one of us feels attacked, the barrage of low-ball insults and hurtful memories not only surface, they explode.

I have spent a lot of time thinking over the last year and a half.  After I got laid off, I remember tearfully telling you that I needed to focus on me, that I felt like I was floundering and I didn’t know what direction I was headed.  I know it was incredibly hard for you to understand, and incredibly hard for us to handle financially.  You were patient as I developed a business plan and are still being patient as I get it up and running.  The important things to me?  Even though you were initially resistant, you never gave up on me.  When I was low and struggling, you never left me.”

Here is where I start to burst into tears for a moment…then I calmed down again.

“And now, I make a living doing things that I love.  I get to be creative, I get to fulfill my passion….and I am really good at it!  I am making money and continuing to move forward and I absolutely could not have done it without you.  I know we aren’t rich and I am not making a ton of money, but people are paying me to do this!”

Now he was smiling, sweetly.

“So, here is the part that is hard.  I feel like I could do better.  No, I know I could do better.    The issues that continue to plague me are things that bother you too.  I know we could work on it together.  We have goals and we are both accountable.  Sometimes, I have a hard time holding myself accountable.  I have this, ‘bleh, whatever – I will do that later, and if it doesn’t happen, oh well!’ kind of attitude.  That sucks.  Then, when you say anything, I get all defensive, bring up the things I do right and make you feel like shit for saying anything.  And it isn’t working for me.  I want to be better than that and I can’t do anything unless I admit that.  The way I talk to you sometimes is so unacceptable and emasculating.  I think it is totally unacceptable, bratty behavior that has to stop.”

He agreed and had that sexy, stern look on his face.  But, there was no judgement there.  He looked surprised by my honesty and soooooooo relieved that I wasn’t leaving him for a man named “Paul,” (or any name) that I met on the internet (or wherever….Paul isn’t real.)   🙂

I took a deep breath.  Several, probably.

“Now – you know how I feel about sex, our sex life…how I like it kinda rough and enjoy spanking and stuff like that? ”  (Yes, I really was that eloquent.)

(This part was so humbling.  This is honestly where the name of my Blog, HumbledPink, came from.  I know my cheeks were bright pink with embarrassment while admitting my faults and suggesting that I, a grown woman, would want my husband to spank me, paddle me, correct my behavior, make decisions for our family and demand respect, obedience and fulfillment from me.  Little did I know, several weeks from now, my other cheeks would be humbled pink…, then red.)   😉

“I started to investigate myself even more.  Trying to hone in on where those desires were coming from.  Obviously, you know what kind of stuff I watch, ya know…on the internet, that relates to BDSM, Dominance & Submission…”

He nodded.  His demeanor was very much in control.  The look on his face denoted the utmost respect for me; a kind, gentle look of understanding, security and trust.  That look, in that moment, was the most calming and penetrating look that he (maybe) has ever given me.  I will never forget it; I had his complete attention.  My vulnerability was alluring and my honesty and admission of my own faults was earning additional respect.  He was continuing to make me feel more comfortable continuing.

“So, I started wondering why I was watching that stuff.  To me, the element missing throughout is the intimacy.  You can’t feel that these people know and trust each other .  The ones that have that trust, seemingly, are few and far between; probably because those people aren’t filming themselves and distributing it across media platforms.  When I honed in on what I was looking for, it was submission and discipline.  The sharp ‘thwack’ of justice landing on a lovely behind that just won’t behave.”

I paused for a moment and looked around, letting the silence fill my ears and truly feeling my submission in my heart before saying what I needed to say.

“I need discipline.  I want to give up my power and trust you.  I want you to make the decisions and trust you to do so.  I would like to end the power struggle and disrespect.  I am expected to obey, submit and be held accountable for my actions.  If I throw a fit, I am punished.  If I yell, am rude or disrespectful, I am punished.  In return, I get your love, respect and to be cherished by you.  My submission is a gift to you and your guidance, love and honor is a gift to me.”

He looked stunned.  Happy stunned, but stunned nonetheless.

“This is obviously something that has to be designed, planned and contain specific requirements.  And, of course, none of this means I am a doormat or servant.  I am still capable of making decisions and lending opinions – I am just going to let you make the final decisions and be okay with that.  Also, I know this is a lot to take in.  It has been a lot for me to take in.  I’m sure you need to time to absorb this and think about it.  You probably don’t even understand the dynamic yet, but you will.  If you are open to it, I will send you some articles and information I found so that you can see how other people have done things and see where we can personalize it.  So, hopefully you think I am brave and not ridiculous, being a grown woman asking to be spanked.”

I paused again.  “Okay, you can talk now.”  I smiled, softly and looked into his eyes.

He cleared his throat and began, “I do think you’re brave.  It takes a lot of guts to admit your faults and ask for help.  It was really honest and I think that alone will help us move to another level.  You’re right, I don’t fully understand yet and I need to learn more.  I also know that something does have to change.  I could never find the right solution either.  I never would have thought of this, but it is an interesting approach.  I never want to change you.  I love you. I don’t want you to become some Stepford Wife, or robot devoid of personality and intelligence.  I just want to make that clear.”

“I totally appreciate that,” I said.

I wanted to add a few things.

“This isn’t a parent/child dynamic.  It is entirely different and I think that its important to note that.  This is my choice; something I need as a woman and as a submissive woman who wants leadership, not a Daddy.”

“Good,” he said.  “I can see the difference, for sure.  I will tell you one thing…it’s pretty hot.  The thought of ending the play for power and holding ourselves accountable.   And the fact that I spank you if I need to.  It makes me feel like I have a certain amount of recourse.”

“I know, right?  It is the most emotionally arousing feeling I have ever experienced.  I feel like having an emotional orgasm.”  We both laughed and he took my hand and gently kissed it.  We discussed it for a little while longer and then I left him alone to sleep.  It was hard for me to sleep.

The next day came.  I sent him info, research and articles.  Then I left him alone.  I didn’t say anything for a day and a half.  He acknowledged getting my emails and said that he would take a look at everything.  It wasn’t awkward and I was trying to display patience and appreciation for him hearing me out.

On Friday afternoon, after work, we sat down.  He smiled and started talking.

“I think you might be onto something.  I think we should give it a try and see if it works for us.  We are too good together to split up.  If you really can let me lead, we could be so much more.  It is electrifying to think about.  I’m not sure what I’m doing, and I won’t be perfect.  But, neither will you.  Let’s try this for thirty days and see how we feel.   Maybe you can write down some of your ideas for how this will go and we can go from there.”

And I did.

We just past thirty days.  And we’re still going.   There have been bumps, but we are more happy and connected than ever.  I am truly humbled…

-Pink

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Why I Asked My Husband to Spank Me (The Story of Us, Part I)

Why I Asked My Husband to Spank Me (The Story of Us, Part I) My HoH (Let’s call him JP) is an extraordinary man.  he has overcome many personal and family struggles.  Growing up wasn’t easy and he wasn’t always on the right side of the law.  His family didn’t have a lot of money , his mother was very young, and his circle of friends were all troubled youth on unfortunate paths.

He turned his life around with a lot of hard work and dedication to achieve the life for his family that he envisioned as a child. He is now an Executive in Sales for a publicly traded company. He is good at his job, hardworking and loyal.  He is funny, smart and driven.  He is an excellent strategist who has done things without a college education that many people with Master’s Degrees (or more) wish to achieve.  I am very proud of this man.  He is an amazing father.  Our children are well cared for, provided for and always loved.

As a partner, my husband has grown leaps and bounds over the years.  With the addition of domestic discipline in our lives, I can’t even imagine how grand our partnership will be after ending the power struggle and growing together more.

On the other side, I am an extraordinary woman.  I am intelligent and funny, beautiful and sweet.  I have a passion for art and business; focusing on design, video and marketing.  I am passionate, sexual, devoted and deeply in love with JP. My childhood was quite different than his.  I grew up in a middle-class home, with both parents, and had very few struggles – a happy childhood.  My father was stern and could be somewhat mean at times, and yes…you all want to know, I was spanked as a child.  Most always, it was a corrective measure that I deserved. I am strong-willed and free-spirited.  I enjoy my creative spirit, but it isn’t always the most motivational and work-ethic oriented part of my personality.

I got married right out of high school (not to JP).  My ex is a nice guy, but I was too young and we just weren’t right for one another.  We have an amazing son together.

JP and I met when I was 21 years old.  We started dating less than a month before my 23rd birthday.  After about 6 weeks of dating, I discovered I was pregnant.  Wow.  Already having a 4 year old, about to have another baby.  I was white as a ghost the day I found out.  So was JP. He never once left my side or threatened to.  Even though we had been together less than 2 months, he wanted our baby and he wanted me.

After our son was born, we remained together and started building a life.  We fought.  We made up.  We fought, I went to my parent’s house.  We fought some more, we made up again.  We were going to get married 6 years ago.  However, due to a particularly large number of explosive (not violent) fights, I decided to leave.  I was fed up.  I had become combative and disrespectful.  He wasn’t nice, he was moody, and I was sure it was all his fault. He never let me go.  He fought hard to get me back promising to work on the things that were truly unacceptable.  And he did.  He really started to work at it.  But, I was bitter, pissed off and embarrassed.  He promised me at one point that he would spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy.

We got back together. Shortly thereafter, I was pregnant again.  I was miserable.  My career was anywhere but where I wanted it to be.  I wasn’t fulfilling my creative needs.  I was pregnant, again, at 28.  I was depressed.  It was a very hard 9 months.  But, JP stuck by me again.  He lifted me up and kept me from falling when I wanted to. Our daughter was born.  New fights about new things.  More fights.  More time at my parent’s house.  Leaving for a week at a time, only to realize 5 days into it each time that I couldn’t live without him.  I loved him so much. We talked a lot more.  We tried to just put things aside.  We were a couple, deeply in love, trying to hold onto our friendship that was dangling by a thread.

After being laid off a year and half ago, I decided it was time to focus on myself, my career and my focus in life.  I found it hard to be motivated, hard to clean the house, hard to get it together.  I wanted to be more organized, more productive and a better wife & mom. With a whole lot of support from JP and courage on my part, I broke out on my own and started my business.  It is still being built and I am still figuring myself out.  In doing this self-exploartion, there are the keys things I discovered about myself over the past year and a half.

-I lack self discipline; my easy-breezy attitude is fun and laid back, but not productive

-I have spending issues.  If I have $45.00, I will spend $46.00.  If I have $0, I will spend $8.00.  If I have $3000, I will spend $2,999 in one day.  These are silly examples, but you get the point.

-I need to be more organized and plan financially -I am incredibly talented and could use my talents more effectively if I had solid direction

-I hold our family back by procrastinating, overspending and not properly planning -JP works incredibly hard and I have to step up to his level in my own right to feel secure

-I need him, and our relationship problems are just as much my fault as his

So, I’m thinking, ‘Well, bummer.  I have all of these issues and no way to solve them.’  Meanwhile, my family CEO is entrenched in a bitter battle with the COO.  Two people, two very different people… both driving.  One of us was on the right path.  The other wasn’t and couldn’t admit it.

In the interest of self-preservation, I fought and deflected.  I yelled and pouted.  I stomped my feet, I cried my eyes out.  Did any of it help me be more productive?  How about more qualified to call the shots?  Did I feel like we were happy and unbreakable because of our power struggle?  NO.  Absolutely not.  I felt like I was failing and this relationship that had ten years of work behind it was crumbling.

So, we were in neutral…coasting down the highway of life in a nice car that wouldn’t drive.  Not one inch. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Call me a spanko, if you must.  I have always been drawn to the allure of discipline and corporal punishment.  Long before my teen years, the idea of a good, hard spanking was somehow (internally) undeniable.  In my 20’s,  I toyed with spanking in my relationships.  It was fun.  Not fulfilling. When JP and I met, our sexual attraction and sexual experiences were off the charts.  Throughout all of our struggles and bumps, our sex life was always AMAZING.  It kept getting better.  But it was still missing something (for me, anyway).  JP and I watch porn together sometimes.  But over the years, my fascination with BDSM erotica grew.  But it felt wrong.  It felt dark.  I was always wondering who these girls were…was this rape…, torture…, victims of human trafficking…?  Were they okay…?  Was there anything illegal going on behind the scenes…?  Who knows.

I hated that I was drawn to something that I didn’t understand.  If you are in to BDSM, I have NOTHING against you or your lifestyle, nothing at all.  Consensual activity between adults is great and I have no judgement to cast.  Personally, I think the core of DD is rooted in Dominance & Submission, in all honesty.  If it crosses over from just punishments at all – into the more fun, erotic parts…it all seems to head back to D/s.

I just found the material to be mostly arousing, but not quite hitting the mark. I started to dig deeper.  What was it about pain, dominance, submission and discipline?

The elements of discipline and spanking kept coming up, over and over again in my mind.  I craved it.  It made sense.  When someone is punished for a transgression, it feels like justice served and negates the need for anger and resentment.  When I watch someone being harshly punished strictly to inflict pain, it feels dark to me.

Not too long ago, I found a video that was very mild in relation to some that I had come across.  It depicted a woman that had spent too much on a shopping spree.  Her HoH sat her down and explained his frustration, adding that she would receive a spanking so that she would remember to never do tit again.  I loved it.  She didn’t look scarred or scared, he wasn’t angry.  This video was tagged with “domestic discipline.”  Next time I did a search, I found so much info and references, much more than any fantasy videos. Upon my search, I found hundreds of blogs related to the topic of DD and D/s (THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR BLOGS – THEY MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLE’S LIVES).  There were podcasts, downloads and books.  There were stringent prescriptions for the lifestyle and those that encouraged couples to do what it was right for them. I couldn’t believe it.  There were people living their lives this way!! It was insane.  Impossible.  Deranged….Only for about 60 seconds.

When I got over my initial shock and fear of the lifestyle, it started to make sense.  One person in charge, the HoH.  He leads, I follow.  He makes the rules, I follow.  He needs to remind me to behave?  I obey.  I get a say in everything.  I also get more than that.  I get peace.  I get trust.  I get security.  I get consistency. I get to feel his control in the bedroom and out. His natural dominant tendencies are nurtured, my need for structure and discipline are met.  Enter masculinity and femininity – two innate characteristics that were previously wearing the masks of ambiguity and yelling at each other from underneath.

I read, I did research, I listened to podcasts…I absorbed as much as I could until I thought I might explode.  Realizing that this is what I wanted – the lifestyle that I needed and could stand behind was the most freeing and terrifying feeling ever. Thinking, ‘Oh, no.  You can’t tell JP.  He will think you are crazy.  Or deranged…both.  He will be afraid of what this life might lead to (gasp!)… a gateway lifestyle.  He won’t understand.  He can’t spank you! He isn’t allowed.  What would people think? Even if you wanted him to, when he does it playfully during sex, he feels like crap if he even thinks he hurt you.  He will feel so downgraded and helpless.’

Then there was me…’You mean to tell me you are going to listen to him every time?  When he spanks you or paddles you or canes you – are you going to be able to handle that?  What if you think you haven’t done anything wrong and he spanks you?  Are you going to punch him?  Will the control go to his head?  Will I soon be eating my meals in my bedroom after grabbing them out of a little slot he cuts outs of the door to you room which is now a dungeon?  Are you prepared to give up your identity?  EHHHHHGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!  SCREAMING!

Then I stopped.  I reassured myself.  I am an adult and I can consent to anything I want to!  Who cares what people think?  Are they living in your marriage?

I read some more.  I put a lot of thought into it.  A LOT.  It was a Wednesday.  I would wait until the weekend.  I would wait, figure out a plan and “come out” to him.  Only I wouldn’t…

He could see something was up.  He could tell I was distracted and nervous.  I told him it was a big deal and I wanted to wait until I knew what to say.  I said that it was something I was nervous about discussing and needed some time. He wasn’t having any of that.  He can barely wait until Christmas to open presents.  He wasn’t waiting to hear something epic that I was nervous to discuss.  I was rarely nervous about discussing anything.

I’m sure things were swirling in his head, like “JP, I am cheating on you,” or, “JP, I have decided that I was born as a woman, but I feel I should have been born a man.”  Or the classic – “JP – I have decided to move to Europe and sell my art on the street corner.  Will you please come with me?”

He started to get very frustrated, so I told him I had to take some notes to form my thoughts and that I would see him in an hour.  Yikes!  I had one hour to paint this picture in an honest and compelling way.  Ahhhh…luckily, I am an artist.  😉

TO BE CONTINUED….(Stay Tuned for Part II)

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