Uncategorized


I was talking to a friend recently, and she asked me what I meant by “I like to serve him.”  Excellent point.  So, what is “service,” to me?  I have been doing a lot of reading lately.  Getting in touch with the inner-me.

Service is, by definition, many different things.  The type of service that I am referring to is serving another; in this case, JP.  It is the act or acts of providing accommodations to make his life easier.  This includes:

-Domestic services – i.e. cooking, cleaning, bartending, shuffling the kids to and fro (with love and care), secretarial duties, making appointments, hostessing, etc.  ***Disclaimer:  I have many opportunities to improve in this area.  Always trying.***

-Luxury Services – i.e., massages, manicures, pedicures, removing his shoes and socks when he gets home, shining his shoes, sucking his cock while he reads or watches football, serving his food to him; These are areas of strength.

-Sexual Services – Being attune to his needs first, submitting to his desires, being ready and open to advances at any time; anywhere (but trusting him enough to not get us put on “The Registry,” for indecency), learning to please him just the way he likes, etc. – also an area of strength.

-Respectful Service – this has more to do with obedience, but if you really think about it, it is a service.  Being mindful, watching tones, not arguing, acting within the rules and protocols of the relationship, obey first – ask questions later (only if you genuinely trust your partner), putting aside brattiness, fostering love and not contempt, etc.  **This is an area in which I could certainly improve, however, I do try very hard to keep my cool.

Obviously, so many of these things overlap.  The different aspects of service to Sir, are to me, one large part of my submission to Him.  There isn’t anything on that list that makes me feel degraded, weak or opressed.  It simply gives me the feeling that I am striving to give the best of me to my Husband, every day.  Somedays are better than others, but I always sincerely try.  As much as this is a part of our D/s relationship, most of those things are not at all about kink…but about love and respect.

-HumbledPink

I do not serve because I am weak, I serve because it makes me strong.

Mindfulness---Serving

I do not serve because I am in awe of you, I serve because you are in awe of me too.

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Submission, Uncategorized

Thoughts

importance-of-submission

I love him.   I am reminded throughout the days and even when navigate what might have been a huge argument.  My backing down and being respectful (submissive) and his genuine grace in not pushing it further and being respectful serve to save us the pain and regret that ensue when I lash out and he reacts.

Sir, it is just as much you as it is me who chooses to act with genuine care and respect.  Thank you.  I love you…

Your Good Girl,

HumbledPink

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Games We Play

D/s – The Art of Checking

Checking…

A small, seductive detail that drives me wild.

When you are in the arms of someone you trust…someone who makes your soul flutter; there are certain things that drive you beyond erotic reason.  Things that he (or she) does that are seemingly so small, or such a granular part of an enormous process that it may escape the proper attention it deserves.  Here is one such element.

CHECKING?  WHAT THE EFF IS THAT?

I don’t know how everyone plays, and what little things really do it for everyone.  When I am getting a good girl spanking, or a playful naughty spanking, or the kind that is playful, but serious, chances are I am going to get hot and bothered.  Like, a 100% chance.  But, good spankings hurt and I do like to play a little bit of Damsel in Distress. A naughty girl should never love her chastisement!?!  Right?  Wrong.

Most submissive women are aroused by the acts of submission.  Use this as a great basis for baiting your lovely, submissive prey.  She knows she is wet.  You know she is wet.  I know cheesecake tastes good, but I always like to be 100% sure.

Imagine…you walk up behind her pert ass sticking up high in the air.  Or perhaps she stands seductively, bound at the wrists and ankles and you walk up behind her and cup her breast and whisper in her ear.  Whispering in her ear is its own sexy little thing, but, I can’t get distracted.

You say something to the effect of, “Well, we better check to see if your naughty little pussy is wet,” or, “Oh…did that spanking/flogging/paddling get you all wet & excited?  Let’s just check and see!”  Then seductively slide your fingertip/s between her legs and over her slit, dipping in just enough to feel the silky, creamy arousal that your dominance invoked.

Slowly, slide your fingers back out and whisper in her ear, “Oh…you are soaking wet.  That’s a good girl.  I love it when your pussy (or whatever delightful term does it for you) gets so wet for me.”

On the converse, maybe she loves a little shame and playful humiliation.  Something like, “Uh-oh.  Your naughty little pussy got soaking wet from that spanking!   Now I’m going to have to really punish you!”

OR – there is always the taboo and yet infamously arousing chef trick.  You say, “Your hot little pussy got very wet from that spanking.  See it?” Show her the glistening arousal on your fingertip and make her respond… “Yes, Sir.”  

Examination -  Image credit: http://www.pinterest.com/DaddyDomJB/checking/

Examination –
Image credit: Via Pinterest http://www.pinterest.com/DaddyDomJB/checking/

Look back at your fingertip.  “Yes, I made it.  It looks sweet, delicious.  I think you should taste it.”  Before you even finish that sentence your fingertips will hopefully have made their way into her eager, salivating mouth that is always anxious to please her Master.  Feeling the soft swirl of her tongue on your fingertips as she tastes her own arousal will serve to remind you both that your cock will soon take the place of your fingers.

Now is a great time to resume the spanking…or gently force her to her knees to start adoring your cock.

Another fine scenario…She’s cooking dinner in a dress or skirt.  You walk up behind her and put your arm around her middle in between her chest and stomach. This makes it easy for your arm to rise between her breasts for fondling.  Perhaps run your hand up to her throat so you can bend her neck back as you speak and touch; make her feel the full force of your dominance. From the front or back (switch it up!) use your other hand to part her legs, slowly working your way into probing deeper while you say softly, “Time for me to check to see if that hot little pussy is dripping wet like I think it is.”  At this point, it probably will be.  Take it from there.  Is she naughty for being wet?  Or is she a good, good girl for having become aroused so quickly in your presence?  Either way, tell her.  Then take her.  Or – make her wait.  Sometimes the best aphrodisiac!

If she is not dripping wet with anticipation, say something like, “Hmmm, you’re not wet yet.  I’m surprised because I know your little pussy is almost always begging for attention.  I will be back in 2 minutes.  If you still aren’t wet, I will spank you.  I know that by the time your ass is bright red, you’ll be soaking wet.”

Just some ideas and a window into some things that turn me on.

By the way, submissives crave your loving dominance; physically and psychologically.  Use them together at the same time?  Watch out.  😉

-HumbledPink

Hot Dominance = Epic Explosions

Hot Dominance = Epic Explosions

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Uncategorized

Lessons Learned – Awakenings

I know that it seems like forever since my last post.  But, not that I am getting this all off my chest, shorter and more frequent posts will follow.  🙂

-Pink

life-bus

WHEN LIFE HITS YOU LIKE A BUS…

I have been more busy than I have probably ever been.  I have also been spending a lot of time inside my own head and trying to figure some things out.

After some pretty sizable setbacks and disappointments this summer and early fall, JP and I were both left feeling pretty beat up.  Everyone has this kind of stuff come up, so I won’t bother anyone with the boring granular details.  Basically, things at work were not great for either of us. I took on a huge project with a new client that left me mentally and financially drained in order to move forward.  I am moving forward, but it was so much work for so little comp, do I really want to move forward?

I try not to mention JP’s career on my blog much…it isn’t any of my business to put it out there, but I will say there were issues causing anxiety, an overload of stress and some real hard nights.

Additionally, both of us spent nearly six weeks doing soul searching; the likes of which are emotionally exhausting and sincerely confusing.

After we experienced our own setbacks, we experienced an “us,” setback.

I realize I am not the epitome of bloggers on this subject or any other, nor am I Kim Kardashian or anyone else with a million followers… but it is really hard to humble yourself before the world.  Since my name, site and character imply humility and the healing virtues presented therein; I want to come clean about our struggle.  As hard as it is to say, there were some things that I was truly wrong about.  And hopefully, my revelations will help others as they try to make sense of things that are happening to them in their DD, TTWD, BDSM, D/s or any other kind of relationships.

1.  NEEDY…

If you read one of my first few posts, it related to ‘coming out of the DD closet,’ and telling my husband it was what I needed.  OOPS…did you hear that?  I said, “needed”.   I didn’t just say it once.  I feel like I weaved that word throughout my IPO (Initial Pitfall Offering), explaining that I ‘needed discipline,’ and that I ‘needed someone to hold me accountable’.

When I review that encounter, it was just as much of a sales pitch as any other thing you have to explain to a spouse or partner in order to gain their backing.  It was never my intent for him to focus on the context of a word that, looking back with 20/20 vision, probably clouded my entire pitch.  His misperception of my unfulfilled needs is understandable considering the meaning of the word ’need,’ indicates it is vitally important.  And wow – what a HUGE set of needs for someone to be expected to fulfill in a short amount of time!

2. RACING TO THE FINISH LINE

I felt certain that I needed to explain this to him, but failed to remember that he was sitting on the hot seat facing an emotional female firing squad of one; forced to make a decision that shouldn’t be rushed.  I didn’t feel like I rushed him at the time.  I don’t think he felt rushed, either.  He saw the value and appreciated my enthusiasm and submission.  Plus, it was exciting!  And powerful!  And instinctually male (unfair assumption on my part)!  But looking back, I rushed him.

The honeymoon phase of Domestic Discipline is an interesting conundrum, with high-highs and low-lows.  It is exciting, sensual and real.  It is nerve-wracking, confusing and real.  Some days, your best efforts are hardly more than a cough in the general direction of dominance and submission. However, I feel like any relationship worth having comes with a similar, albeit different, double-edged sword.

3.  I AM TOTALLY NOT GOING TO GET PISSED OFF WHEN HE SPANKS ME…

Stone Arch Fantasy Background

Being Humble & Submissive – Not always easy, folks…

Um, except I did a couple of times.  And each time sucked so bad for him.  At no point in time did I see some glimmer in his eye that said, “Oh…she fucked up.  Muahahaha…yes.  NOW I WILL GET TO SPANK HER!!” Nor was there any “Dinner was 5 minutes late and there are no towels in the bathroom.  SPANKING!”  It wasn’t like that.  He is a busy guy who works hard and loves his family.  He saw the inherent value of the DD punishment process, but it was never something he enjoyed doing.

On my end, most of the time, I was being a brat, and as many of us know well, when  bratty come to call, she doesn’t like to be told what to do.  Then, I would make him feel like an asshole for doing what I humbly asked him to do.  That only happened a couple of times, but it pretty much sealed the deal for him.  Why try when she is going to get mad?  

Sometimes, being in a vanilla relationship and transitioning into another lifestyle presents a whole new set of growing pains.  Things like deprogramming reactions and automatic defenses have to take place.  It is also hard to not use the past against one another.  This is where most of us in this role have to really hone the submission skills.

4. THIS WILL BE EASY ENOUGH TO MANAGE WITH THE KIDS AROUND

Spanking-Zone

No.  The times when we are both the most stressed out is often when the kids are around.  It isn’t anything we ever wanted them to hear because it wasn’t something we were ready to explain.  You can’t put a sign on the door…you know?  It was a struggle, although I am sure we and many others, could work around it with some modifications.

5. MORE COMMUNICATION IS EASY ENOUGH TO HAVE

vintage couple communication

Communication…sometimes easier said then done.

Everyone says it, and I will say it again.  You cannot be successful in DD or any other form of S&M, BDSM D/s, etc. while maintaining a healthy relationship without upping the ante when it comes to communication.

I assumed that JP would find this problematic, but not me.   After all, I am a woman…communicating is simple and I will fill in the gaps where he falls short.  Wrong.

There are so many aspects of our relationship, myself and my moods that I didn’t account for in my equations.  Sometimes, I don’t know why I am being bitchy, I don’t have a good reason and no matter how much I try to be more communicative, ‘because I feel like being a bitch,’ isn’t an acceptable answer inside or outside of DD or D/s.  I would act out first, then rationalize later.  This made me defensive before we even started talking about it.

I found it not one bit easier to admit my own shortcomings in the heat of the moment.  Sure, I could admit to something that I didn’t see as a fatal flaw.  Those flaws that constantly plague me, and those I didn’t know I had a problem with confronting were sitting right there; front and center in my mind.   I would find myself feeling down about things that I was personally insecure about and then projecting my view of myself onto him, assuming he saw me in the same negative light.  He was so much more open and honest in DD and I fell short sometimes.  This caused a wall to go back up for him. It isn’t always as easy as any of us think.

6. HE IS ALWAYS SELF-ASSURED.  I BELIEVE IN HIM ALWAYS… HE IS PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF TAKING ON THIS ROLE.  HE’S A NATURAL DOM.

Ya-Got-That-Stud?

Sometimes, I forget that he has a lot to handle.

While my thought process above wasn’t necessarily completely irrational, it was pretty unfair.  He is self-assured and I do always believe in him.  But to go from zero to sixty in 3 weeks flat (slow for a car, fast for a new lifestyle), was something neither of us was prepared to do.  He confirmed later that he does seem himself in a dominant light, but sometimes being responsible for the bills, working 50 or more hours per week, commuting nearly 2 hours each day, the kids activities and business networking leave a person pretty worn out.  It started to make sense to me quickly that he didn’t have time daily to make  all of the decisions, sort out the rules and give me a maintenance spanking.

But, I had asked for this.  And he was all for it.  If I let up now, it would all go back to the way it was before…messy arguments, fighting, threats to leave, and more.  At this point, he had never said he was feeling overwhelmed.  Ah…but how could he comfortably do so?  I needed this, remember?

At this time I was in the middle of some negotiations and quoting a large design project.  What a perfect time to get JP involved in the sales pitch and price negotiations!!!  Of course he went and we both shined.  He was eloquent and persuasive.  He was relatable, knowledgable and an incredible asset in the meeting.  I’m not exactly Kris Kardashian when it comes to negotiations, but I am no shrinking violet, either.  So there I sat; swooning, as my sexy, dominant man worked his magic. (My words, not his.  He is much more humble in general than I am when gushing.)

At this point (calm before the storm), everything seemed perfect.  My bringing him in on this project was a great idea.  However, now I had him moonlighting as my CEO while I sat back and enjoyed the view from middle management.  On its own, it probably would have been fine.  In combination with the stress from his simple little day job (saracasm), it was exhausting.  He needed to get home, make sure I had my shit in one bag, assist with the design project I had just bid and won, make time for the kids, give me a maintenance spanking and then undoubtedly give me a spine tingling visit from the “Ace in the Hole” that became necessary subsequent to my maintenance spanking.  I know.  Poor guy…he needed to have sex after he spanked me. (sarcasm)  Um, no.  I wanted it in some insatiable way and would find my own avenues to quietly ensure that Sargeant Pepper led The Lonely Parts Band.  That made me feel guilty.  And kinda needy.

No matter how much he needed space and time, his perception of my needs and his obligation to fulfill them left him feeling like he needed a clone.  No – a clone with impeccable time management skills.

7. YEAH, WE’LL NEVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE.  WE HAVE A PLAN.

In addition to all of the mistakes and experiences above, there were several things I was pretty sure would be easy to overcome because we had a plan.  For instance; on being able to keep myself level-headed because I had made a commitment to this lifestyle.  The truth of the matter is, some days, it is really hard to remain submissive.  When something strikes the right chord on the right day, remaining calm and collected is something I need to work on.  It causes problems when I react like a wounded wolverine.  Then I start being defensive and he feels like he is talking to a wall.

I thought it would go something like this… ‘Well, he will just know that I must need corrective action.  And then he will take action and I will happily to submit to my punishment!’ Instead, my resistance caused him to lose hope and withdraw.  It is a nasty cycle and just one example of something I thought that commitment to DD would make easier.  Not so.

8. I WON’T GET HURT IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT

I guess I never expected to find out about him being uncomfortable in the way I did.  It just kind of erupted.  The last thing he wanted to do was seem less manly for not being able to take on the role of HoH by doling out punishment spankings and enforcing rules.  He liked the sexual charge it brought for both of us.  He liked the change in attitude and respect that had come with the lifestyle.  The truth of the matter is, he watched his mother being beat by his ex-step father when he was pretty young.  He remembers it and it was traumatic. The concept of DD was never practiced in an abusive manner in our home, nor was I being beaten.  I had asked to be led and corrected.  There was no derisive nature in his actions, I think he truly saw the merit.  But, when it came time to give a disciplinary spanking, or he felt like he was intentionally hurting me, it brought back a lot of painful memories and guilt.

I had wondered if that would be an issue, but since he never brought it up when I posed the DD lifestyle, and because I saw a clear and distinct difference, I failed to prepare myself for  some things.

I never thought he might have difficulty admitting that it was hard for him.  Because I am not a man, I forget that they must contend with a whole host of emotions and characteristics of ego that I have never experienced by virtue of not being a man.  Due to the fair and structured nature of domestic discipline or D/s (when practiced with genuine care and love) and above all else; my consent & desire, I never imagined that he could see it that way.

When he finally did admit to that, I felt guilty.  Like I was a member of a freaky fringe society, or the lone woman that would put shame to all former and current women’s rights movements.  Then I began to question myself.   Am I sick?  Disturbed?  Do I like getting beaten?  NO.  First of all, he had NEVER beat me. I realized that was essential for me to cease thinking in this destructive manner.  It wasn’t his fault he associated the action with a somewhat similar but very different traumatic event in his life.  It’s not my fault that I’m a natural submissive and what some may call a spankophile.

Without ever coming right out and saying it, I knew we couldn’t go on the way we were. It was the beginning of a genuinely rough period for us.  For a week or so, I was mad.  How could he tell me it sounded great, participate voraciously, endear me to his dominance and then drop it like a hot potato?  Then, I was once again insecure.  He thinks I am a total freak.  He must want some normal girl who just naturally has her shit together…but they are generally boring.  And he likes blow jobs.  And they aren’t all that fun.  I’m fun and I give blow jobs.  It was sad.  The fact that he was struggling with something that happened a long time ago was sad for me and I wondered if he saw me in a low light…as the kind of girl that wants to be abused.

It makes me sad to write about it because those are very irrational thought patterns.  I tend to see the world as being very unaccepting of my flaws.  I struggle internally with viewing my pitfalls as being worse than others’, and with feeling that I am hard to accept.  But, I bet as he reads this, he will disagree.  He knows that I am a sexual freak.  And he loves it.  Because he is a sexual freak too.  He knows that I am warm, loving, caring, funny and sexy.  He knows that I love him like there is no tomorrow.  He is my rock, my man, the love of my life.  He is Sir.

After going through the motions of denial, anger, sadness, guilt, etc. I grew quiet.  I don’t want to talk about it.  Things fell back into the same patterns of poor communication and hurtful jabs.  I was still harboring resentment for what I felt was a cold and confusing way to end DD.  Apparently it showed.

He eventually called me out on it.  He asked why I had gone back to being cold and nasty when things got rocky,  and why I seemed angrier after everything slowed down (to a grinding halt).  That hurt.  I told him that I didn’t understand.  Not only had I given myself over to him in the great gift of submission, it felt like he rejected me.  There was a lot to be said.  But I was still quiet.

humbledpink submission

Letting go = being free

It took me about a week after he asked me those questions to process how I was really feeling.  I was upset with myself because I knew I was a being a brat.  I was embarrassed because he rejected something important to me, so I showed him the complete opposite of submission,  I was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to see me as normal again.  This is still an underlying fear.  He was insecure because I had said that I ‘needed this’ and thought I would be out sourcing a new Dom immediately.  I realized how immature I was being.  I realized something else too.

9.  “She’s submissive, not to the world, but submissive to her heart and those in it.” 

JP once described me in the above way.  It is most fitting.  After forgiving him for something he never really meant to do and by letting go of my insecurity to a certain extent, I started focusing more on my heart.  I had to quit caring what it might be like to admit that it didn’t work perfectly.  I don’t care if he can’t deliver a punishment spanking.  I still love his dominant personality.  I still respect him and love being his good girl.  I am his submissive.  I love serving him, making him feel good and doing my best everyday.  I don’t need to set the parameters.  It doesn’t have to be exact.   I will never be the perfect housewife, the perfect girl or anything else remotely resembling perfect.  EXCEPT – I am perfect for him and he is perfect for me.

10.  IT IS DEFINITELY SEXUAL

I am incredibly sexual.  I am passionate about it.  In a healthy way.  It is a form of expression that embodies being alive.  I am going to have to be 100% okay that I am turned on by dominance and am governed by being submissive.  I love to massage his feet and suck his cock.  I love to write erotic stories and share them with him.  I love to play with toys, and set the scene.  I never intended for sex to change my life, but it has.  The level of intimacy and closeness that I feel with JP is truly surreal.

The connection that you find with someone you love is so intoxicating, seductive and freeing.  I had plenty of sex before JP and he has had plenty of sex before me.

I can say with near certainty that there is no sexual pinnacle available in the game of casual sex that can substitute the erotic fire that builds between two people with deep trust and passion; who are strong in their resolve to embrace their sexual nature and indulge each others’ desires.  Words aren’t available for the way he makes me feel.  The fire he lights between my legs and in my heart and soul are spiritual, truly.

For me, the gourmet recipe of Dominance and Submission contains an immense number of potent ingredients.  Intense sexual pleasure, intimate whispers, psychological and behavioral conditioning, sexual and physical challenges…all of that mixed with the hypnotic allure of a man’s strength and power; blended with the erotic feeling of sensations that go beyond pain…beyond pleasure.

It is hard to succinctly define our relationship in a couple of words or with an acronym.  define our relationship or lifestyle in a couple of words.  Domestic Discipline probably doesn’t accurately describe what we have or what we are evolving into.  Concrete definitions are difficult to attach to such subjective interests.

My submission comes from within my heart;  characterized with a deep desire to earn his dominance by being respectful, kind, considerate and serving him at every opportunity that I can.  That doesn’t mean I am a doormat, it just means that I love taking care of him by doing the things that I am really good at instead of hating myself for the things I’m not that good at.

I love him for being open-minded and loving.  I love that he is sitting right next to me,  right now.

HumbledPink

Copyright 2014 HumbledPink

Copyright 2014 HumbledPink

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Uncategorized

Naughty and Negative

I recently had a birthday, like…within the last week.  I got 30+ swats with the Chechen.  They were playful birthday spanks, but had a nice sting to them as well.  It was a fun morning.

I have been doing freelance graphic work for an e-commerce company for almost a year.  Sometimes it is so much fun, but most of the time, the fun cannot overshadow the extreme shadiness of our owner.  He doesn’t seem to wrong our customers in any way.  My ethical barometer definitely has a point of no return and defrauding people is the point of no return. I can still tolerate being there.  However, sometimes his chauvinistic, womanizing behavior is repulsive.  My birthday was one of those days.

I had lunch with a one of the sales reps and the day floated by with some crappy comments from the owner.  The day just wasn’t great.  Friends had forgotten my birthday, it just didn’t seem special.

From the moment I woke up that morning I had a crappy attitude.  It is indeed that time of the month and I can’t seem to shake the negativity during this ‘period’ of time.  Maybe some of you ladies have some suggestions as to how one can remain submissive and sweet and humble when their uterus is about to explode and freaky chemicals are causing bratty explosions of atomic proportions.

I owe him an apology for my seriously negative attitude.  I have been selfish and deserve a bit of a go ’round with a firm implement.  JP is headed to Vegas next week for a conference.  I am sure that before he goes, he will give me the love and discipline that I need.

So even though I am starting to feel the push of maturity nudge out the remainder of my youth, I have never been more engaged or satisfied in our marriage.  I have never felt that our mutual respect for one another was greater or that our interest in being seriously considerate of each other was more deeply rooted.

So, JP, Sir…I love you so much.  I am sorry that I have allowed my negative emotions to rule my attitude.  I am sorry that I took my birthday so personally when I know you have a lot of things going on right now and are making every effort to move our family in the right direction.  I respect you so much and can’t imagine that growing older will be anything but amazing as long as I have you.

—————————->

In other news, Last weekend was a pretty amazing time.  The closeness and intimacy experienced through living D/s and DD provide a level of erotic fire and hyper-sensuality to our relationship.  Sometimes, I throw my arms around him, fully clothed, and drink in the love and respect that I feel for him – squeezing hard to feel his rugged manliness envelop me.  Other times, I lay back and let him extract the magic that he build in me and cultivates through each tender kiss, each stern glance and every thwack of the paddle that he bestows.  This is no lie, I promise…last weekend, I had over 80 mind blowing orgasms. There are so many times since beginning domestic discipline that once he gets me started, they just keep coming.  😉

I am so thankful for my man, my life and my future.  I have so much on the horizon to look forward to and I feel fortunate.  And humbled.

– Pink.

P.S. – Like the paddle pictured?  I promise I have no affiliation with these guys – but they are AWESOME.  Check out their reviews and amazing work on Etsy.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/SPORKWood

The best customer service I have experienced in a long time and completely customizable.  With shipping and everything, this amazing paddle was only $69.  When I got it, “Mr. Sporkwood,” told me he had yet to be able to fully capture the beauty of the wood on camera.  I know what he means, it is even more beautiful in real life.

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Uncategorized

Why I Asked My Husband to Spank Me (The Story of Us) Part II

I returned to our bedroom.   JP was on the edge of his seat, literally, with his hands clasped and the concentrated and weary look  of trying to be prepared for nearly anything splashed across his face.

I started by smiling.  I wanted him to know that I wasn’t going to burst into tears (yet) and that this wasn’t going to be as bad as he had prepared himself for.

“I want you to know a few things before I begin.  First, I love you sooooo much.  Over the last ten years, you have grown to be my best friend and my rock.  I also need you to know that I love and respect myself immensely.  I am worthy of love and respect, loyalty and honesty.  I feel that I am intelligent, talented and worthy of a partner that cherishes me.”

This is where his eyes narrowed a bit, like I might be breaking up with him.

“In the same light, you are intelligent, funny and ambitious.  You are driven, capable, strong and strategic.  You are worthy of love, respect, loyalty and honesty.  I honestly don’t feel like I have been all that respectful…for several years, actually.  I have been dishonest…not in any huge way, I have been faithful, but in a lot of small ways that break down our barriers to communication and degrade the quality of our relationship.”

A more relaxed look spread across his face.

“Do I think all of our relationship’s problems are my fault?  No.  But, I feel like I blamed the majority of it on you for a long time.  We have some big issues.  We fight way more than is necessary.  When one of us starts a fight, the other one is immediately defensive and lashes back.  As soon as one of us feels attacked, the barrage of low-ball insults and hurtful memories not only surface, they explode.

I have spent a lot of time thinking over the last year and a half.  After I got laid off, I remember tearfully telling you that I needed to focus on me, that I felt like I was floundering and I didn’t know what direction I was headed.  I know it was incredibly hard for you to understand, and incredibly hard for us to handle financially.  You were patient as I developed a business plan and are still being patient as I get it up and running.  The important things to me?  Even though you were initially resistant, you never gave up on me.  When I was low and struggling, you never left me.”

Here is where I start to burst into tears for a moment…then I calmed down again.

“And now, I make a living doing things that I love.  I get to be creative, I get to fulfill my passion….and I am really good at it!  I am making money and continuing to move forward and I absolutely could not have done it without you.  I know we aren’t rich and I am not making a ton of money, but people are paying me to do this!”

Now he was smiling, sweetly.

“So, here is the part that is hard.  I feel like I could do better.  No, I know I could do better.    The issues that continue to plague me are things that bother you too.  I know we could work on it together.  We have goals and we are both accountable.  Sometimes, I have a hard time holding myself accountable.  I have this, ‘bleh, whatever – I will do that later, and if it doesn’t happen, oh well!’ kind of attitude.  That sucks.  Then, when you say anything, I get all defensive, bring up the things I do right and make you feel like shit for saying anything.  And it isn’t working for me.  I want to be better than that and I can’t do anything unless I admit that.  The way I talk to you sometimes is so unacceptable and emasculating.  I think it is totally unacceptable, bratty behavior that has to stop.”

He agreed and had that sexy, stern look on his face.  But, there was no judgement there.  He looked surprised by my honesty and soooooooo relieved that I wasn’t leaving him for a man named “Paul,” (or any name) that I met on the internet (or wherever….Paul isn’t real.)   🙂

I took a deep breath.  Several, probably.

“Now – you know how I feel about sex, our sex life…how I like it kinda rough and enjoy spanking and stuff like that? ”  (Yes, I really was that eloquent.)

(This part was so humbling.  This is honestly where the name of my Blog, HumbledPink, came from.  I know my cheeks were bright pink with embarrassment while admitting my faults and suggesting that I, a grown woman, would want my husband to spank me, paddle me, correct my behavior, make decisions for our family and demand respect, obedience and fulfillment from me.  Little did I know, several weeks from now, my other cheeks would be humbled pink…, then red.)   😉

“I started to investigate myself even more.  Trying to hone in on where those desires were coming from.  Obviously, you know what kind of stuff I watch, ya know…on the internet, that relates to BDSM, Dominance & Submission…”

He nodded.  His demeanor was very much in control.  The look on his face denoted the utmost respect for me; a kind, gentle look of understanding, security and trust.  That look, in that moment, was the most calming and penetrating look that he (maybe) has ever given me.  I will never forget it; I had his complete attention.  My vulnerability was alluring and my honesty and admission of my own faults was earning additional respect.  He was continuing to make me feel more comfortable continuing.

“So, I started wondering why I was watching that stuff.  To me, the element missing throughout is the intimacy.  You can’t feel that these people know and trust each other .  The ones that have that trust, seemingly, are few and far between; probably because those people aren’t filming themselves and distributing it across media platforms.  When I honed in on what I was looking for, it was submission and discipline.  The sharp ‘thwack’ of justice landing on a lovely behind that just won’t behave.”

I paused for a moment and looked around, letting the silence fill my ears and truly feeling my submission in my heart before saying what I needed to say.

“I need discipline.  I want to give up my power and trust you.  I want you to make the decisions and trust you to do so.  I would like to end the power struggle and disrespect.  I am expected to obey, submit and be held accountable for my actions.  If I throw a fit, I am punished.  If I yell, am rude or disrespectful, I am punished.  In return, I get your love, respect and to be cherished by you.  My submission is a gift to you and your guidance, love and honor is a gift to me.”

He looked stunned.  Happy stunned, but stunned nonetheless.

“This is obviously something that has to be designed, planned and contain specific requirements.  And, of course, none of this means I am a doormat or servant.  I am still capable of making decisions and lending opinions – I am just going to let you make the final decisions and be okay with that.  Also, I know this is a lot to take in.  It has been a lot for me to take in.  I’m sure you need to time to absorb this and think about it.  You probably don’t even understand the dynamic yet, but you will.  If you are open to it, I will send you some articles and information I found so that you can see how other people have done things and see where we can personalize it.  So, hopefully you think I am brave and not ridiculous, being a grown woman asking to be spanked.”

I paused again.  “Okay, you can talk now.”  I smiled, softly and looked into his eyes.

He cleared his throat and began, “I do think you’re brave.  It takes a lot of guts to admit your faults and ask for help.  It was really honest and I think that alone will help us move to another level.  You’re right, I don’t fully understand yet and I need to learn more.  I also know that something does have to change.  I could never find the right solution either.  I never would have thought of this, but it is an interesting approach.  I never want to change you.  I love you. I don’t want you to become some Stepford Wife, or robot devoid of personality and intelligence.  I just want to make that clear.”

“I totally appreciate that,” I said.

I wanted to add a few things.

“This isn’t a parent/child dynamic.  It is entirely different and I think that its important to note that.  This is my choice; something I need as a woman and as a submissive woman who wants leadership, not a Daddy.”

“Good,” he said.  “I can see the difference, for sure.  I will tell you one thing…it’s pretty hot.  The thought of ending the play for power and holding ourselves accountable.   And the fact that I spank you if I need to.  It makes me feel like I have a certain amount of recourse.”

“I know, right?  It is the most emotionally arousing feeling I have ever experienced.  I feel like having an emotional orgasm.”  We both laughed and he took my hand and gently kissed it.  We discussed it for a little while longer and then I left him alone to sleep.  It was hard for me to sleep.

The next day came.  I sent him info, research and articles.  Then I left him alone.  I didn’t say anything for a day and a half.  He acknowledged getting my emails and said that he would take a look at everything.  It wasn’t awkward and I was trying to display patience and appreciation for him hearing me out.

On Friday afternoon, after work, we sat down.  He smiled and started talking.

“I think you might be onto something.  I think we should give it a try and see if it works for us.  We are too good together to split up.  If you really can let me lead, we could be so much more.  It is electrifying to think about.  I’m not sure what I’m doing, and I won’t be perfect.  But, neither will you.  Let’s try this for thirty days and see how we feel.   Maybe you can write down some of your ideas for how this will go and we can go from there.”

And I did.

We just past thirty days.  And we’re still going.   There have been bumps, but we are more happy and connected than ever.  I am truly humbled…

-Pink

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