I returned to our bedroom. JP was on the edge of his seat, literally, with his hands clasped and the concentrated and weary look of trying to be prepared for nearly anything splashed across his face.
I started by smiling. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t going to burst into tears (yet) and that this wasn’t going to be as bad as he had prepared himself for.
“I want you to know a few things before I begin. First, I love you sooooo much. Over the last ten years, you have grown to be my best friend and my rock. I also need you to know that I love and respect myself immensely. I am worthy of love and respect, loyalty and honesty. I feel that I am intelligent, talented and worthy of a partner that cherishes me.”
This is where his eyes narrowed a bit, like I might be breaking up with him.
“In the same light, you are intelligent, funny and ambitious. You are driven, capable, strong and strategic. You are worthy of love, respect, loyalty and honesty. I honestly don’t feel like I have been all that respectful…for several years, actually. I have been dishonest…not in any huge way, I have been faithful, but in a lot of small ways that break down our barriers to communication and degrade the quality of our relationship.”
A more relaxed look spread across his face.
“Do I think all of our relationship’s problems are my fault? No. But, I feel like I blamed the majority of it on you for a long time. We have some big issues. We fight way more than is necessary. When one of us starts a fight, the other one is immediately defensive and lashes back. As soon as one of us feels attacked, the barrage of low-ball insults and hurtful memories not only surface, they explode.
I have spent a lot of time thinking over the last year and a half. After I got laid off, I remember tearfully telling you that I needed to focus on me, that I felt like I was floundering and I didn’t know what direction I was headed. I know it was incredibly hard for you to understand, and incredibly hard for us to handle financially. You were patient as I developed a business plan and are still being patient as I get it up and running. The important things to me? Even though you were initially resistant, you never gave up on me. When I was low and struggling, you never left me.”
Here is where I start to burst into tears for a moment…then I calmed down again.
“And now, I make a living doing things that I love. I get to be creative, I get to fulfill my passion….and I am really good at it! I am making money and continuing to move forward and I absolutely could not have done it without you. I know we aren’t rich and I am not making a ton of money, but people are paying me to do this!”
Now he was smiling, sweetly.
“So, here is the part that is hard. I feel like I could do better. No, I know I could do better. The issues that continue to plague me are things that bother you too. I know we could work on it together. We have goals and we are both accountable. Sometimes, I have a hard time holding myself accountable. I have this, ‘bleh, whatever – I will do that later, and if it doesn’t happen, oh well!’ kind of attitude. That sucks. Then, when you say anything, I get all defensive, bring up the things I do right and make you feel like shit for saying anything. And it isn’t working for me. I want to be better than that and I can’t do anything unless I admit that. The way I talk to you sometimes is so unacceptable and emasculating. I think it is totally unacceptable, bratty behavior that has to stop.”
He agreed and had that sexy, stern look on his face. But, there was no judgement there. He looked surprised by my honesty and soooooooo relieved that I wasn’t leaving him for a man named “Paul,” (or any name) that I met on the internet (or wherever….Paul isn’t real.) 🙂
I took a deep breath. Several, probably.
“Now – you know how I feel about sex, our sex life…how I like it kinda rough and enjoy spanking and stuff like that? ” (Yes, I really was that eloquent.)
(This part was so humbling. This is honestly where the name of my Blog, HumbledPink, came from. I know my cheeks were bright pink with embarrassment while admitting my faults and suggesting that I, a grown woman, would want my husband to spank me, paddle me, correct my behavior, make decisions for our family and demand respect, obedience and fulfillment from me. Little did I know, several weeks from now, my other cheeks would be humbled pink…, then red.) 😉
“I started to investigate myself even more. Trying to hone in on where those desires were coming from. Obviously, you know what kind of stuff I watch, ya know…on the internet, that relates to BDSM, Dominance & Submission…”
He nodded. His demeanor was very much in control. The look on his face denoted the utmost respect for me; a kind, gentle look of understanding, security and trust. That look, in that moment, was the most calming and penetrating look that he (maybe) has ever given me. I will never forget it; I had his complete attention. My vulnerability was alluring and my honesty and admission of my own faults was earning additional respect. He was continuing to make me feel more comfortable continuing.
“So, I started wondering why I was watching that stuff. To me, the element missing throughout is the intimacy. You can’t feel that these people know and trust each other . The ones that have that trust, seemingly, are few and far between; probably because those people aren’t filming themselves and distributing it across media platforms. When I honed in on what I was looking for, it was submission and discipline. The sharp ‘thwack’ of justice landing on a lovely behind that just won’t behave.”
I paused for a moment and looked around, letting the silence fill my ears and truly feeling my submission in my heart before saying what I needed to say.
“I need discipline. I want to give up my power and trust you. I want you to make the decisions and trust you to do so. I would like to end the power struggle and disrespect. I am expected to obey, submit and be held accountable for my actions. If I throw a fit, I am punished. If I yell, am rude or disrespectful, I am punished. In return, I get your love, respect and to be cherished by you. My submission is a gift to you and your guidance, love and honor is a gift to me.”
He looked stunned. Happy stunned, but stunned nonetheless.
“This is obviously something that has to be designed, planned and contain specific requirements. And, of course, none of this means I am a doormat or servant. I am still capable of making decisions and lending opinions – I am just going to let you make the final decisions and be okay with that. Also, I know this is a lot to take in. It has been a lot for me to take in. I’m sure you need to time to absorb this and think about it. You probably don’t even understand the dynamic yet, but you will. If you are open to it, I will send you some articles and information I found so that you can see how other people have done things and see where we can personalize it. So, hopefully you think I am brave and not ridiculous, being a grown woman asking to be spanked.”
I paused again. “Okay, you can talk now.” I smiled, softly and looked into his eyes.
He cleared his throat and began, “I do think you’re brave. It takes a lot of guts to admit your faults and ask for help. It was really honest and I think that alone will help us move to another level. You’re right, I don’t fully understand yet and I need to learn more. I also know that something does have to change. I could never find the right solution either. I never would have thought of this, but it is an interesting approach. I never want to change you. I love you. I don’t want you to become some Stepford Wife, or robot devoid of personality and intelligence. I just want to make that clear.”
“I totally appreciate that,” I said.
I wanted to add a few things.
“This isn’t a parent/child dynamic. It is entirely different and I think that its important to note that. This is my choice; something I need as a woman and as a submissive woman who wants leadership, not a Daddy.”
“Good,” he said. “I can see the difference, for sure. I will tell you one thing…it’s pretty hot. The thought of ending the play for power and holding ourselves accountable. And the fact that I spank you if I need to. It makes me feel like I have a certain amount of recourse.”
“I know, right? It is the most emotionally arousing feeling I have ever experienced. I feel like having an emotional orgasm.” We both laughed and he took my hand and gently kissed it. We discussed it for a little while longer and then I left him alone to sleep. It was hard for me to sleep.
The next day came. I sent him info, research and articles. Then I left him alone. I didn’t say anything for a day and a half. He acknowledged getting my emails and said that he would take a look at everything. It wasn’t awkward and I was trying to display patience and appreciation for him hearing me out.
On Friday afternoon, after work, we sat down. He smiled and started talking.
“I think you might be onto something. I think we should give it a try and see if it works for us. We are too good together to split up. If you really can let me lead, we could be so much more. It is electrifying to think about. I’m not sure what I’m doing, and I won’t be perfect. But, neither will you. Let’s try this for thirty days and see how we feel. Maybe you can write down some of your ideas for how this will go and we can go from there.”
And I did.
We just past thirty days. And we’re still going. There have been bumps, but we are more happy and connected than ever. I am truly humbled…